All Companies Sell Solutions Now And It's Weird

I write about companies and business now. I know, right? – weird. How has that happened? Not only do I not know anything about business whatsoever (I mean, I’ve done some brushing up since, but when I started: no), I also try and nurture a healthy scepticism of capitalist enterprise.

So with capitalism having kicked up a notch since 9/11 and the 2008 financial crisis [citation needed], it’s interesting to see how companies are working hard to efface their identities as overtly capitalist makers and buyers and sellers of things, in favour of something approaching charity.

All companies solve problems now. The things they sell are no longer products but “solutions”. We’re here to help people, and make your life easier, they say, lots of eye contact, hand on knee. And if we make some money from it at the same time well that’s rather nice. Why tho? Is it supposed to distract from all the shady activities companies conduct? Is it a guilt thing? Is it just a corporate fad?

The approach, creepy as it is, works without sounding too weird for companies in the service industry for instance, but when companies in other industries that sell literal physical things bend over backwards to position their wares as solutions, it becomes strange and hilarious.

Over the past few months I’ve curated a collection of the best examples and put them in a quiz format. I’ve removed all the company names, and for each, try and work out what they actually do from the description.

1. [This company] assists industries in finding and implementing ever more responsible and value-creating solutions. Our products serve diversified markets, from consumer goods to energy, with one main aim – to improve quality of life and customer performance.
2. We are the ones who help your application landscapes become flexible and productive. We take responsibility for the entire lifecycle of your applications from development to maintenance, while working with you to simplify your landscape.
3. Inventing, designing and producing high quality solutions for customers and patients, [company] offers products that are designed with patients’ needs in mind.
4. [Company] is a globally diversified natural resources company with low cost operations. We empower our people to drive excellence and innovation to create value for our stakeholders. We demonstrate world-class standards of governance, safety, sustainability, and social responsibility. At [Company], our people are our most important assets. We actively encourage their development and support them in pursuing their goals.
5. [This company] is a leading sleep solution destination.

Answers

1. This company is a fucking gigantic chemical group
2. Why does a massive IT group have such an obsession with landscape gardening?
3. This lot sell gases used in healthcare
4. A mining company
5. A bed company. This company sells beds. For fucksake.