I watch a lot of football videos on YouTube and the like, and occasionally the video is taken from an American sports channel, and the 'colour man' is a really odd Geordie bloke. For a while I thought he was pretty much an irritant, and felt sorry for the main commentator (who could hardly get a word in edgeways). It was like the channel thought, those British are good at soccer, let's get one of them in, and ended up with what sounds like a drunk guy off the street.
How wrong I was; the commentator, Ray Hudson, is a verifiable genius, and it was a masterstoke by the television network to sign him up. He describes goals in the most overblown, ridiculous yet fantastic fashion, coming out with gems such as 'that was a goal of orgy-astic proportions!', and later in the same game describes the Madrid defence as being 'stretched out like Spandex on Miami beaches'. I've rounded up most of his best moments for your listening pleasure.
Barca 5-0 Madrid
For those of you that can't be bothered to watch 7 minutes highlights include: 00.5, 2.40, 3.30 (bio-rhythms like a peregrine falcon!) 4.06-4.26, 4.50, random squawk.
Ray Hudson Hates Celebrities and tennis players
More on tennis players
Ray Hudson has an orgasm
Best of compilation (the 'sledghammer' scene that he mentions at 0.40 can be seen here. It's an odd comparison to say the least)
Another one
There are countless more gems to be dug up. He might not be very professional and grammar seems like an unnecessary distraction, but I'd take him over any other commentator currently working. Apart from Stuart Hall (A Shakespearean Ray Hudson)
x
Wednesday 27 April 2011
Monday 25 April 2011
Mixing Cereals: A Beginner's Guide
Here's something a bit left-field: a guide to the misunderstood art of mixing cereals, in the format of a Q&A session.
What the fuck is mixing cereals? Some new kind of indie DJ technique?
No, you tit, it's mixing cereals, like for breakfast and stuff.
Umm...why?
Because cereals are social animals, and work better together than in isolation. Advantages are numerous. The chocolate milk properties of Coco-Pops, for instance, make most cereals more interesting. It also lets you feel less guilty about filling yourself with intensely sugary and salty cereals by tempering them with the 'healthy/ier' cereals, like Fruit 'n' Fibre, or the ones you can convince yourself aren't that unhealthy because no sugar is mentioned in the name, like Cheerios.
You're a strange, strange person.
I know, get over it.
Okay then, hit me with some of your best combinations.
Possibly the best thing about mixing cereals is that it turns that most inedible (yet annoyingly...err...energy-ific? Energetic? Energising?) of cereals, porridge, into something tolerable. I'm not saying it's the most delicious thing in the world by any means, but try sprinkling a load of Honey Nut Cornflakes on your porridge to make it less baby-pukeish (it will look like baby puke though). Most cereals are fine, but there is one massive exception: never ever EVER put Coco-Pops in porridge, it is unquestionably the worst combination ever, and mixes about as well as oil and water. If you're in it and the oil is on fire. With sharks.
Anything else?
So far it's been fairly Marxist - the base-superstructure approach to breakfeast (that was a typo, but I've decided it's better that way), if you like. But don't be afraid to add a third tier, and portions don't have to be equal. For instance Shreddies first, then Cheerios, topped with a few Frosted Wheats.
Don't people...y'know, think you're a bit special when you do this?
Like I've shat on my food, yes. But fuck other people, this is the business.
Right. Are we done now?
Yeah. Don't pretend you don't love it.
[Scene]
What the fuck is mixing cereals? Some new kind of indie DJ technique?
No, you tit, it's mixing cereals, like for breakfast and stuff.
Umm...why?
Because cereals are social animals, and work better together than in isolation. Advantages are numerous. The chocolate milk properties of Coco-Pops, for instance, make most cereals more interesting. It also lets you feel less guilty about filling yourself with intensely sugary and salty cereals by tempering them with the 'healthy/ier' cereals, like Fruit 'n' Fibre, or the ones you can convince yourself aren't that unhealthy because no sugar is mentioned in the name, like Cheerios.
You're a strange, strange person.
I know, get over it.
Okay then, hit me with some of your best combinations.
Possibly the best thing about mixing cereals is that it turns that most inedible (yet annoyingly...err...energy-ific? Energetic? Energising?) of cereals, porridge, into something tolerable. I'm not saying it's the most delicious thing in the world by any means, but try sprinkling a load of Honey Nut Cornflakes on your porridge to make it less baby-pukeish (it will look like baby puke though). Most cereals are fine, but there is one massive exception: never ever EVER put Coco-Pops in porridge, it is unquestionably the worst combination ever, and mixes about as well as oil and water. If you're in it and the oil is on fire. With sharks.
Anything else?
So far it's been fairly Marxist - the base-superstructure approach to breakfeast (that was a typo, but I've decided it's better that way), if you like. But don't be afraid to add a third tier, and portions don't have to be equal. For instance Shreddies first, then Cheerios, topped with a few Frosted Wheats.
Don't people...y'know, think you're a bit special when you do this?
Like I've shat on my food, yes. But fuck other people, this is the business.
Right. Are we done now?
Yeah. Don't pretend you don't love it.
[Scene]
Thursday 21 April 2011
Your Highness: Review
In Your Highness, big fat man-child Danny McBride - part Jack Black, part the-boss-from-the-IT Crowd - stars as big fat man-child Thadeous, the younger inept, incompetent, probably incontinent brother of Fabious (James Franco), the kingdom's heroic prince. The cast is surprisingly starry, with a couple of Hollywood's finest in Natalie Portman (swoon!) and Zooey Deschanel (don't ever get old!) also adding further star-power, not to mention low-cut tops. Fantasy quest films and literary traditions are spoofed, and sometimes even used straight, good-naturedly in director David Gordon Green's successor to stoner hit Pineapple Express.
The whole film revolves around McBride's spiel, and if you don't like him it can probably be guaranteed that you will not like this film. There is nothing nuanced about this type of comedy; it relies almost entirely, somewhat bizarrely, on 'fuck' sounding funny against the typically portentious olde worlde fantasy speak that the characters spew. Is it funny? I don't think any critic is in a position to say what is and isn't funny, such are the disparities in senses of humour, so all I can give is personal experience: it works to some extent, but it does begin to wear thin. There is one particularly fantastic use of fuck though, where upon an event called 'the fuckening' occurs when two moons are aligned and if a virginal maiden (in this case Deschanel) gets ravaged then the world falls into darkness. Or something.
It's kind of strange how great the dearth of actual non-fuck-related gags is. They're almost non existent. Aside from McBride, the bad guy Leezar (an unrecognisable Justin Theroux) and the weedy squire Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker) the other characters play it very straight, most of the time. The writers seemed undecided how many laughs they wanted to give Portman and Franco; perhaps because they are not renowned for comedic roles, but whatever the reason there are definite balance issues.
Other discrepancies include the uneven parodic tone; I'm not even sure if it is in fact a parody. There are several classic fantasy elements given only minor superficial comic twists, for instance the gladiatorial arena, or the labyrinth scene. There are also other elements outside the fantasy oeuvre that are referenced; the very premise of a virginal bride and cosmic alignment is taken from the gothic horror tradition; the aforementioned labyrinth scene from Greek mythology - both seem to be going against what the film is aiming for.
I really wanted to really like Your Highness. I wanted it to be a perfectly judged pile of offensive, funny crap, and while it could be very funny, depending on your own personal taste, this only papers over the fact that it is inconsistent and sometimes a bit muddled. Moments of brilliantly quotable silliness are tempered by getting the basics wrong.
I've decided star ratings are worthless, so henceforth all reviews will just be thumbs up or thumbs down; Your Highness gets a thumbs up.
P.S sorry for not blogging for ages, I've had no interesting thoughts in a while. Easy stuff like reviews might have to fill in for more interesting things.
The whole film revolves around McBride's spiel, and if you don't like him it can probably be guaranteed that you will not like this film. There is nothing nuanced about this type of comedy; it relies almost entirely, somewhat bizarrely, on 'fuck' sounding funny against the typically portentious olde worlde fantasy speak that the characters spew. Is it funny? I don't think any critic is in a position to say what is and isn't funny, such are the disparities in senses of humour, so all I can give is personal experience: it works to some extent, but it does begin to wear thin. There is one particularly fantastic use of fuck though, where upon an event called 'the fuckening' occurs when two moons are aligned and if a virginal maiden (in this case Deschanel) gets ravaged then the world falls into darkness. Or something.
It's kind of strange how great the dearth of actual non-fuck-related gags is. They're almost non existent. Aside from McBride, the bad guy Leezar (an unrecognisable Justin Theroux) and the weedy squire Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker) the other characters play it very straight, most of the time. The writers seemed undecided how many laughs they wanted to give Portman and Franco; perhaps because they are not renowned for comedic roles, but whatever the reason there are definite balance issues.
Other discrepancies include the uneven parodic tone; I'm not even sure if it is in fact a parody. There are several classic fantasy elements given only minor superficial comic twists, for instance the gladiatorial arena, or the labyrinth scene. There are also other elements outside the fantasy oeuvre that are referenced; the very premise of a virginal bride and cosmic alignment is taken from the gothic horror tradition; the aforementioned labyrinth scene from Greek mythology - both seem to be going against what the film is aiming for.
I really wanted to really like Your Highness. I wanted it to be a perfectly judged pile of offensive, funny crap, and while it could be very funny, depending on your own personal taste, this only papers over the fact that it is inconsistent and sometimes a bit muddled. Moments of brilliantly quotable silliness are tempered by getting the basics wrong.
I've decided star ratings are worthless, so henceforth all reviews will just be thumbs up or thumbs down; Your Highness gets a thumbs up.
P.S sorry for not blogging for ages, I've had no interesting thoughts in a while. Easy stuff like reviews might have to fill in for more interesting things.
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