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Friday 27 December 2013

On tiredness

I'm so tired


I'm so tired of filmspeak

            And of ‘problematic’ and ‘why it works’ and capslock titles

I'm so tired of Twitter

            And the over-saturation of Opinion

            And self-importance

            And Twitter comedians whose jokes block out the sun

I'm so tired of the gender debate

            And of bland busybodies who think articles can ever be a tipping point

            And the mis-use of ‘troll’

            And people going on about Blurred Lines like it's the worst thing.

I'm so tired of alcohol culture

            And recriminations

I'm so tired of Cambridge comedians

I'm so tired of my security blanket being a smarter financial choice than going it alone

I'm so tired of feeling impotent anger

            And seeing political apathy amongst my peers

[REDACTED]


The football’s still pretty good, though.

Wednesday 23 October 2013

Language Dilution is a Crime

Language dilution, language pollution: pick your term. For too long this practice has gone on unchecked, unabated, laying waste to our precious words, our finest finite natural resource. It has many learned defenders who cry ‘language drift!’ arm-in-arm with the less learned who cry in turn, ‘who gives a shit!’. Fools.[i]

No, it is not language drift, it is laziness.

As well as the obvious meaning, Google gives a definition of ‘literally’ as a word that can be “used to acknowledge that something is not literally true but is used for emphasis or to express strong feeling.”[ii] I weep. Google, the arbiter of knowledge, has metaphorically caved in, figuratively given up the fight, and literally offended me.

But it isn't Mr. Google’s fault, nor is it the OED’s or any other organisation like that. Nope, it is your fault, dear reader, if you have ever used literally when you don’t literally mean it. Dictionaries do not set language, they document it: Fiona MacPherson of the OED says, “If enough people use a word in a particular way […] it will find its way into the dictionary.”

Using literally when you don’t literally mean literally is language abuse, not language drift. Wikipedia lists the reasons for language change as:

a)      Economy: Speakers tend to make their utterances as efficient and effective as possible to reach communicative goals. Purposeful speaking therefore involves a trade-off of costs and benefits.
a.       the principle of least effort: Speakers especially use economy in their articulation, which tends to result in phonetic reduction of speech forms (going to > gonna)
b)      Analogy: reducing word forms by likening different forms of the word to the root.
c)       Language contact: borrowing of words and constructions from foreign languages.
d)      Cultural environment: Groups of speakers will reflect new places, situations, and objects in their language, whether they encounter different people there or not.
e)      Migration/Movement: Speakers will change and create languages, such as pidgins and creoles

I am fine, for instance, with the way my generation uses the word ‘like’ all the time as a way of introducing reported speech because it is a shorter and more fluid way of saying ‘he/she said’ and makes it clear you are paraphrasing, or giving the gist of what somebody else said. ‘Like’ is also used as a filler word, and that’s fine too. In general, it’s best to try and remove fillers from your speech, because they make you sound less intelligent and confident, but that’s super-difficult so it’s fine, really. I am also fine with people saying ‘PIN number,’ even though technically speaking you are saying ‘personal identification number number’, because I feel PIN itself has come to mean the combination you put into the thing to validate your cashcard.  

I am not fine with people diluting ‘literally’ (and ‘genuinely’, to a lesser extent) because we only have one word for literally, and if literally no longer means literally then we've lost a word, and a useful one at that. If there was a replacement – and I know a lot of former literally-abusers that have moved onto ‘genuinely’, ruining that, too – I possibly would be okay with it. It falls into none of the above categories, and in fact reduces economy. If you use literally when you don’t mean literally, for instance in, ‘omg I literally love Mary Berry,’ you are not only adding an extraneous word, you are also devaluing it, so when the time comes for ‘literally’ to be used in its proper meaning it is no longer up to the task. (I've seen the tragicomedy of ‘literally literally’ before. Again, I weep.) It also raises the issue for serial literally and genuinely abusers that if they make a statement without using one of the two, it could give the impression that they are being insincere.

Parroting a word over and over again in inappropriate contexts robs a word of its power. Take swearing for instance. People that eff and blind as part of their regular speech patterns devalue swearing, so when they’re really angry, they haven’t got the vocabulary to express themselves. When/if I’m a parent, I imagine I would tell my children not to swear unnecessarily, but if they’re really, really angry about something it would be okay. It’s important that we can be rude to each other. It seems strange to me, for instance, that in Australia (and other parts of the world, too), people call each other ‘cunt’ in the same way that I would use the word ‘mate.’ If you really want to call someone a ‘cunt,’ which is just about the worst word we have, what do you do?

So please, put some thought into the words you use because words are vulnerable and synonyms are exhaustible.



[i] http://www.buzzfeed.com/billypeltzer/10-crutch-words-you-literally-need-to-stop-saying-ecuv This ‘listicle’ is mostly on the money, and the comments illustrate typical moronic defences perfectly.
[ii] In between starting and finishing this article, Google has CHANGED IT BACK!! Yes!

Sunday 13 October 2013

By Bus

A bead of sweat slowly tumbled down the nape of Mark’s neck, testing his patience. An unexpected Indian summer was inflicting a punishing dry heat on Northern Europe, and waiting at the Southampton Airport Parkway bus stop for an interminable length of time, Mark felt like an ant under a magnifying glass. He forced himself to remain calm as the bead avalanched interminably and excruciatingly past his collar-line. The only other person at the bus stop was a small and frail old lady, leaning on a walking stick with a rucksack hanging off her narrow shoulders. She seemed completely unaffected by the heat. Mark wasn’t sure whether to marvel at her casual stoicism or to feel embarrassed by his relative inability to endure.
Before he could reach a satisfactory conclusion to this problem, the Uni-Link bus arrived and pulled up in front of the pair and the sliding doors huffed open. The elderly lady boarded ahead of Mark, and once he had wrestled his over-stuffed suitcase on-board and bought a single ticket, he found her peering up the stairwell towards the top deck, as if trying to gauge whether the climb was beyond her. The bus lurched into motion and she turned to look at Mark.

                ‘Well, are you going to help me or what!’ she said expectantly, but with a hint of cheekiness that prevented her tone from sliding into impertinence. Mark grunted in assent and heaved his suitcase into the rack, before turning and offering a forearm to the lady, which she grasped lightly. ‘Thank you, my dear. I want to sit at the front. It’s more fun at the front.’ An increasingly bemused Mark guided her up the swaying steps to the front seats of the bus, which afforded a grand panoramic view of the Southampton streets that rushed by on either side. Mark helped her out of her rucksack and she sat down. She seemed pleased, and Mark, unsure as to whether his duties were fulfilled, turned to go.
                ‘So gentlemanly for one so young, thank you my dear.’ She indicated for Mark to sit alongside her. ‘My name is Nancy, but my friends call me Nancy. And how may I address you?’ Mark laughed.
                ‘Mark. My friends call me…Mark.’
                ‘And are you student here, Mark?’
                ‘I am. In fact –’ he said, as the bus rounded the final corner of Wessex Lane, bringing Montefiore Halls into view on the right, ‘– my old room is that one.’ He pointed towards a long but narrow block of flats with a fading, weather-worn façade. ‘Are you?’ Nancy smirked in response. The bus stopped outside Montefiore and a group of Chinese students boarded.
                ‘I was. Of course, this concrete monstrosity that you had the misfortune of calling home did not exist back then. I was a resident of Stoneham House, built in an age where architecture wasn’t dictated by the latest in prison building trends!’ Stoneham House lay across the road from Montefiore, situated with some degree of grandeur in the middle of a few acres of well-cultivated garden. The late-baroque façade was compromised somewhat by the awkward, abandoned overflow accommodation tower that loomed incongruently on the west wing, like a builder that had somehow stumbled into a high-society dinner party.

A group of Chinese pre-sessional students boarded and the bus pulled away. Nancy requested for Mark to open the window for her and he did so. There was a lull in conversation as Nancy tilted her head back and allowed the cooling draft to blow through her hair as the bus barrelled along Burgess Road up towards the university. Noticing the Karrimat strapped to her rucksack, Mark broke the silence.
                ‘What’s with the mat? Are you roughing it?’
                ‘I’m going to Bestival.’
                ‘Bestival?’ Mark repeated incredulously.
                ‘Bestival’.
                ‘You’re kidding me.’
‘I most certainly am not.’ Mark burst out laughing: he couldn’t help himself. Nancy looked peeved. After he had composed himself, Mark continued.
‘Why on earth are you going to Bestival? I don’t think I’m being rude when I say you’re not exactly the typical festival-goer.’
‘Well, perhaps not. I’m going to see Elton John. He’s not playing anywhere else in the UK this year, so this year I’m going to Bestival. We fell in love with him in 1970, Doreen and I, when he released ‘Your Song’ in 1970. You might know it from that film with that handsome Scottish chap. Anyway, we’ve been to see him every year since.’
‘So you’re something of a megafan?’
‘I’m not a lunatic, if that’s what you mean,’ came the defensive reply.
Embarrassed, Mark resumed looking onto the outside world. They were passing through the university campus, all but abandoned in the summer months by the student population. Small groups of parents of prospective students were being shown around campus by enthusiastic student ambassadors wearing brightly coloured t-shirts, while their offspring lagged behind, eyeing each other up. The driver of an oncoming bus threw up a salute as he passed. A crowd of ravens hopped and bickered on what the student population had dubbed the “intercourse” – the strip of grass that separated the bus interchange and the concourse. Nancy drew his attention back into the confines of the bus.
‘You haven’t told me your destination yet.’
                ‘I’m off to the Island, same as you. My eldest sister squeezed out a baby girl two days ago so I’m rushing home for the celebration. Baby Caroline – I’ve only seen heavily pixelated photos so far. I can’t wait to see her. I usually find babies annoying but when it’s a new family member I might be more tolerant.’
                ‘You will adore her, no doubt about it. Your sister and her husband, however, will be driven crazy eventually. There’s a much longer grace period when it’s your own baby. It’s a race to stay sane until they become toddlers, which is when they become lovely again, and develop a personality.’
                ‘I’ll make sure to tell Kate that’ said Mark facetiously. ‘Do you have children of your own, then?’
                ‘No, but I saw enough of Doreen’s to know a bit about them. They were terrors until they were three and a half. Terrors, but she loved them anyway, of course. I helped out when they got a bit much. They turned into little angels almost overnight.’
                ‘Doreen’s your best friend, right?’ Mark ventured.
                ‘Yes. My best and oldest friend. Would you like to see a picture of her?’ Without waiting for a response, Nancy opened her purse and took out a dog-eared and crumpled black-and-white photo. A jaded-looking, post-concert Elton John smiled wearily into the lens of the past, his evident exhaustion contrasting with the exuberant smiles of the two women flanking him. ‘I’m the short, fat one on the right, if you can’t tell. Doreen was always the looker of the two of us. We were devastated when we found out Elton hadn’t much interest in girls! It was taken after a performance at the Royal Albert. Fantastic, he was, and with just a piano, a microphone and a spotlight.’ She broke off to hum a few bars of ‘Your Song’, without very much skill.
‘And you’re meeting her on the Island?’ At this, Nancy shook her head slightly and looked deeply into Mark’s eyes for a moment then back to the photo, but didn’t say anything. The cogs in Mark’s brain clunked. Suddenly it was obvious. ‘Oh! I’m so sorry, I should have realised’. Mark instinctively looked down and fiddled with a button on his coat, uncomfortable with this unexpected revelation and unsure how to act. He reached out and gave Nancy’s fragile hand a squeeze and waited patiently for her to gather herself. She sighed and made a visible effort to shake off her grief by squaring her shoulders, scrunching up her eyes a few times and swallowing to ease out the lump in her throat.
‘She passed two weeks ago, but we already had our tickets by that point, so I decided to come anyway by myself. I think it’s what she would’ve wanted. I’ve got this -’ she waggled the photo, ‘and this!’ she said, pulling out a hip flask. ‘Limoncello!’ she said gleefully. The bus was going past the Common; a trickle of sweaty-shiny joggers flickered in and out of the long shadows cast by the trees lining the footpath. ‘It keeps me young.’ Nancy flipped open the cap and took a slug of the potent yellow ooze, and held the flask out to Mark, who declined.
                ‘No thanks, can’t stand the stuff.’
                ‘You don’t drink? You should, you know, it’s good for the soul.’ Mark laughed.
                ‘Nancy, I’m a student. If my lecture notes were etched into the bottom of a pint glass, I would be getting full marks. I spent practically all summer half-cut, if not fully-cut, on Hampstead Heath. But Limoncello is a vile liquid.’
                ‘You live in London, then?’
                ‘Nope, Southampton, but this summer I was living with my boyfriend in London.’ Nancy hooted.
                ‘I didn’t have you down as a “follower of Elton”! You don’t dress nearly well enough.’
                ‘Cheers,’ replied Mark drily over Nancy’s merry giggles. ‘A “follower of Elton” is your euphemism for homosexual, I suppose?’ he chuckled at Nancy’s strange phrase. ‘I’ve heard worse, I’ve got to admit’. Nancy took another swig from her flask in an attempt to calm herself.
                ‘So, Mark, other than drinking in a park, what else did you do this summer?’ Nancy asked pointedly. Mark grinned wickedly and met her gaze.
                ‘Oh not much, just…bumming around’. Nancy erupted into a fit of laughter again, and Mark joined in, too. ‘Some people would feel sick if I made a joke like that around them.’
                ‘My dear, I too am a follower of Elton, just not quite in the same way. I have done my best to live a prejudice free life. Homophobia is for the feeble-minded.’ Mark mimed raising a glass.
                ‘I’ll drink to that.’


The U1A approached the Red Funnel ferry terminal, and the pair settled into a steady rhythm, both enjoying the unexpected camaraderie that had developed between them over the course of the bus journey through the heart of Southampton. Once on the Isle of Wight, the two went their separate ways: Mark to celebrate the birth of his niece, and Nancy to say farewell to Doreen in a moment of introspection unnoticed by the 20’000-strong crowd surrounding her that were caught up in Elton John’s masterful balladry, as she had been years before.

Thursday 3 October 2013

Castles Round Two: India

My most viewed post of all time is a post from 2010 about castles. It has 1445 hits as of writing. I put it's success down to niche appeal and lots of pictures. It turns out, I completely dropped the ball on that one.

I am a subscriber to /r/castles, a subreddit kept alive almost single-handedly by this one guy called Hoohill, who posts a new castle every day. How this guy has such an inexhaustible knowledge of castles, I'll never know (Google, probably), but he posts a lot of Indian castles.

These things are absolutely enormous.

They make European and Middle-Eastern castles look like doll's houses. I had absolutely no idea India was such a big player on the castle circuit. I didn't even know India was big on medieval warfare, either. For me, this is the sort of discovery that really highlights how skewed my Euro-centric view of the 1st and 2nd millenniums really is. Picture time, 100% from Mr. Hoohill/Reddit.

For starters: Khumbhalgarh (they all have funny names, don't they). It's walls are 38km long. Yeah bitch, thirty-eight! And the walls aren't just pathetic head-height token efforts, they're massive. LOOK.


And there's more!


It was built in the 15th century, making it one of the younger castles featured in the post, but it is second only to the Great Wall of China in terms of continuous length in the whole world. I'm feeling inadequate already.

"Do you think they're compensating for something, Donkey?"
Khumbhalgarh's older and bigger brother is Chittorgarh (the '-garh' suffix is the noise you make when you plummet from the top of the walls). The walls aren't as long but it covers a greater area, making it the biggest in India, and who knows, probably the world, too. Somehow it was successfully sacked three times. How? It would surely be harder to breach than a Banks, Maldini, Moore, Vidic, Lahm backline. I can't find any pictures that get the whole thing in, so here is the Google Maps URL

A tiny portion of the walls
Another view of Chittorgarh
Aight, then there's this one:

It's called Agra, which I'd say is a pretty decent name for a castle. It's all red and stuff, and has three massive walls stacked on top of each other, just in case, y'know, the invaders are all adept pole-vaulters or something.
Been to the top of the tower? The guidebook says it's a must-see.
The gems held within

For no other reason than it also sounds vaguely like the previous one, this is next one is Kangra Fortress. It looks pretty European-y to my eyes, but what do I know. It must be doubly hard to capture because it would surely be all but impossible to resist the urge to gawp at the amazing landscape below. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Rohit, have you seen the view?


It's like a fucking fairytale or something
Stop it, India. Just stop it. You're ruining it for the other kids.
While we're on the subject of ridiculously pretty castles, try Amer castle on for size. Get an eyeful o' this:

Mad jel
But don't worry, it doesn't look as good from every angle. PSYCHE! Yes it does.


Let's go out and look at some of the old medieval buildings and
that, because I bet they look even better at night, all lit up


This is Mudgal castle:


According to Hoohill, it is 'a gigantic, long-forgotten fortress.' How do you just forget about a fortress like that? A castle that would be the gem in practically any other nation's castle portfolio is just another standard castle in India. Those spoilt gits. The gates:





Back when Hadrian's Wall was considered an impressive feat of engineering in (modern day) England, India was building stuff like Rajgad Fortress.


A "lower gate" apparently. Doesn't look too low to me
They build a fortress on that thing when England was nothing and the Romans were at their peak







In a similar vein is Lohagad Fortress, which is all run down and overgrown and beautiful. Like Rajgad, it's well over 2000 years old.


It's also pretty high up.


I bet this spur really irritated the civil engineers - "We have to wall the whole thing?!"
I'm not even close to running out of massive/beautiful Indian fortresses, but that's more than enough to get you started. I should probably have dropped this link at the start of the post, but here is my resource: r/castles filtered for India. Nearly all by Hoohill - what a legend.


One last one - Gwalior - 'one of history's greatest fortresses'. The place where zero was used for the first time (say whaaaaaa!). Tough and beautiful. Just like a Banks, Maldini, Moore, Vidic, Lahm backline.

A real hero, and a real human being


Monday 30 September 2013

Going Loopy: The Konglor Loop

Of course, we only found out afterwards that our route through the heart of Laos was considered foolhardy, inadvisable, impossible even. During the dry season the five kilometre stretch of dirt road along Route 1E from Tha Lang to Laksao is rough but navigable by moped; in the rainy season, as we discovered first-hand, it is not. It wasn’t the first trial we had faced, and nor was it to be our last.

Until this point, our six-week whistle-stop tour of Southeast Asia had felt more like a holiday than “travelling”, which was the vaguely understood intended ethos, taking in as it did the renowned backpacker drinking spots like Bangkok and Vang Vieng. It had become tedious, and we wanted to leave the safety of a backpacker trail so well-trodden that the authorities had paved it. Thus, we headed for the Konglor Loop, a four-day 450km circuit by moped through rural south-central Laos, starting in the border town of Thakhek and culminating with a stop at Konglor Cave, a 7km river that runs under a mountain.

Film buff that I am, the idea of five guys on bikes going through (relatively) uncharted territory sparked Motorcycle Diaries fantasies, and I named my bike La Poderosa (the Mighty One) after Che Guevara’s rickety Norton 500 that bore him and Alberto Granado unreliably through the Latin American heartland on their ‘legendary gap year’ (Peter Bradshaw, 2004).

La Poderosa

The first day broke us in gently, with just a near-death experience and a puncture as night was settling in that left two of our party sheltering under a stifling net from the vast swarms of mosquitos, while the other three drove through said swarms for an hour in pitch-darkness to find the well-hidden guesthouse and rescue. It also gave us a taster for the Laos landscape, which is unlike anywhere I’ve ever been. Lush, flat plains give way abruptly to great eruptions of rock and miniature islands breasted the still lagoons of Nam Theun. More morbidly, forests of dead trees stand lifeless in grey lakes – a result of artificial flooding we later found out, as were the ethereal lagoons – but at the time we wondered if it was a sad reminder of the extensive bombing Laos suffered during the Vietnam war.

Par for the course for Laos, pretty much. Wow.

Much of the second day was spent stuck fast in thick mud that we were entirely unprepared for. We had gone around 200m before the mud was thick enough to choke our engines and clog our tyres. It took two hours to extract ourselves, but only ten minutes to get stuck again. Had a truck with enough space in the back for five bikes not fortuitously rumbled past we would have been truly stricken – water-logged, overheated engines, empty batteries, choked wheels, the works. A tortuous, strength-sapping, interminable journey over rough terrain spent propping our bikes up in the back of this truck until we reached a mechanics was the better option. Lak Sao, a dusty, hospitable town not far from the border with Vietnam, came into view shortly before dusk.

Even this doesn't quite capture how tricky the mud was

It took an hour for this feller to fix Bailey's chain, but it snapped immediately anyway


On the third day endless mechanical problems, including a chain that snapped twice, ensured that we arrived at the entrance to Konglor Cave just in time to see the attendant closing the gates for the day. It had taken us six hours to cover 45km on good roads. The following day we got up early and, with the bikes in good working order, we rattled through the route of the previous day, including the spectacular Konglor cave, by midday. From there: 140km back to Thakhek. Other than a puncture in the middle of nowhere and the heaviest rain storm I had ever seen, we were able to power through and made it back before nightfall. It had been a testing four days that had forced us into self-reliance, but we were rewarded with spectacular scenery, friendly locals that treated us like celebrities purely because of the colour of our skin, and a real sense of accomplishment.

View from within Konglor Cave

Saturday 20 July 2013

An extensive look at In Bruges

My brother is following in my footsteps and coming to Southampton University next September, so I thought I’d write him a guide to the city, pointing out the best night spots, giving tips on saving money and avoiding pitfalls. After it was complete I then realised that, hang on, exploring the city for yourself is half the fun, and that while the guide would no doubt be useful, it would encroach somewhat on the sense of independence gained by moving to a new city which I have found to be the best part of university life. I held back from giving it to him.

EDIT 30/09/13 He went to Manchester, the cheeky git!

It is with this trepidation that I approached an in-depth analysis of In Bruges – I could write 4000 words explaining exactly what makes it such a marvel, but also I realised that such an explanation would spoil the fun for those that would make a similar discovery. Having watching it about 40 times myself and analysed it from every conceivable angle and memorised practically the entire script I can say with absolute confidence that In Bruges is a film that thoroughly rewards attentive viewers. McDonagh has somehow stuffed every moment with something funny, or engaging, or a reference, or a piece of sublime acting or character exposition. It’s incredible. So what I’ve decided to do is split this piece in two: the first part will be a series of things to think about, without giving away my own interpretation; the second part will be my thoughts in full. The first half is mostly spoiler free, the second isn’t.

*

Is In Bruges a comedy? It is unusual to find a film with dark thematic content that is also packed with jokes – where do McDonagh’s priorities lie?

McDonagh is a first and foremost a playwright, but he was raised on Hollywood – consider the structural debt owed to theatrical precedent (Pinter’s The Dumb Waiter) and Hollywood tropes, and how these are interwoven. Look at how typical Hollywood action moments – the chase, the sacrifice, the shootout – are subverted.

Try and spot as many set ups from the film’s first half as you can, and how they appear in the second half. There are loads.

McDonagh has dismissed suggestions that his own relationship with religion (he gave up his childhood Catholic faith) has leaked into In Bruges, but Catholicism and religious iconography always lingers in the background, and is occasionally brought to the fore. Consider why, and what purpose it serves. The paintings of Hieronymus Bosch are also important to In Bruges.

Why are there so many children in this film? Why are they so frequently imperilled? Why are they so central to Harry’s motivation?

Think about tourism and sightseeing, in relation to the medieval buildings, and the contrast between the modern world and the past.

A multitude of nationalities make up the cast of characters, with frequent mistaken assumptions and voiced prejudices about where they are from. What is that trying to say? How does Jimmy fit into this?
Continuing from that, there aren’t many films written from an Irish perspective. How are clichés of Irishness subverted and/or maintained?

How do Ray and Ken differ? What do they represent? How are they ‘judged’?

What does McDonagh do with the Irish folk song, ‘On Raglan Road’?

Pay attention to how much of an incredible badass Marie, the receptionist hotel owner is.

There are parallels between Ray and Colin Farrell. How does the casting of Farrell change Ray?

Brendan Gleeson, man. Brendan Gleeson. Try and work out if you’ve ever seen a more beautifully acted final moment.

The phone-call scene – look at the rhetorical tricks McDonagh uses, count the expressions on Gleeson’s face, count the cuts, count the duration.

Clemence Poesy, man. Clemence Poesy. Do we like Chloé, or do we just think she’s fit?
Can the gay slurs and racism, particularly from Ray, be justified?

Where does it fit into the Irish cinema canon? Is it even an Irish film? It is set in Europe and was made with British and European money. McDonagh himself has Irish parents but is a Londoner, only going to Ireland for regular holidays.

What does the ending ask us to do?

There’s probably an essay-length answer to most of those.

*

In Bruges is billed as a comedy – a black comedy, to be precise. It’s easy to see why the marketing guys reached this conclusion: it’s funny while being thematically dark. It deals with death, child abuse, suicide, morality and judgement, hence, it is a black comedy, right? No. A black comedy is a comedy that finds humour in darkness. The jokes in In Bruges are not really dark jokes. The inanimate fucking object! line, the jokes about Tottenham, dwarves, the Vietnamese, alcoves, and the slapstick violence – none of these are ‘dark’ jokes. Only occasionally does it stray into dark comedy. In general, however, the jokes are light, the thematic content is dark, but the two rarely leak into one another.

So it definitely isn’t a black comedy, but nor is it a straight-up comedy. While undeniably a funny film, humour is not McDonagh’s primary objective. If you remove the laughs (if that is at all possible) I would argue you still have a great film with depth, resonant emotions, a wonderfully balanced plot and strong thematic content. In Bruges is a serious drama which uses humour as a counterpoint to the sadness at its heart. It almost feels like a coping mechanism.

Martin McDonagh is one of the most successful playwrights of the last few decades, and his plays are performed all over the world. There is a rumour circulating the internet that McDonagh is the first playwright since Shakespeare to have five plays running simultaneously in the West End before the age of 27; this is sadly a myth. Despite his critics, however, McDonagh is nevertheless a hugely successful playwright. There is a tangible influence on the film’s structure from McDonagh’s grounding in theatre. Harold Pinter’s play ‘The Dumb Waiter’ is used by McDonagh as a structure for the first half of the film, and what can be described as the atmosphere of Pinter’s plays is also evident in In Bruges. In The Dumb Waiter, two hitmen are sent by their boss to hide out in a basement in Birmingham. They bounce off the walls for a while, growing irritable with each other, until the order comes through: Mr. Cranham has to kill Mr. Blakely. (Cranham and Blakely are the pseudonyms that Ken and Ray use when they check into the hotel.) There are obvious parallels with the plot of In Bruges at work here. Furthermore, McDonagh’s dialogue can be described as ‘Pinteresque’ in the way he uses silences to derive menace. This is particularly evident in the film’s best scene, the tortuous phone call between Ken and Harry. It is shot in one take and relies entirely on the acting performance of Brendan Gleeson and McDonagh’s superbly crafted dialogue. The moment when Harry refers to (the still living) Ray in the past tense, ‘he wasn’t a bad kid, was he’, thus implying that Ken is to kill him, is a truly sublime piece of scripting, and Brendan Gleeson plays the moment out perfectly.

The Dumb Waiter arc terminates roughly at the end of this scene and it becomes somewhat more ‘Hollywood’; appropriately, the scene begins with Touch of Evil showing on Ken’s television. Even though he made his name in theatre, McDonagh has riled the theatre establishment by professing a greater debt to Hollywood films such as those by Quentin Tarantino, who is an over-used comparison by critics. There’s the snappy dialogue, of course, but McDonagh also makes use of classic stand-bys like the “shoot-out”, referred to as such in a moment of self-awareness from Harry, a chase, a noble sacrifice, a Russian arms deal and so on. These are all (Yuri possibly notwithstanding) subverted to some extent: it feels like McDonagh wants to pay tribute to American action movies while manipulating them to his own end. The chase ends when Harry gets tired, loses his bearings and has to consult a map. The shootout is ridiculous, and Harry and Ken, having reached a stalemate, choreograph the following sequence using strange notions of “fairness” based on an in-grained knowledge of chase protocol. Ken tries to make a shot from the top of the Belfry, but he is thwarted when he discovers the square is blanketed in mist. He then tries to short-cut his gun to Ray by jumping out the window with it, but the gun smashes to pieces under him. Ken is ruthlessly denied his “Hollywood moment”. The ambiguous ending is a further example of McDonagh’s desire to eschew Hollywood conventions.

During a first half in which nothing much happens plot-wise, McDonagh sows various seeds, which sprout in the second half. This may not be all of them, but: the $4.90 the stickler Belfry-man refuses to accept for the $5 entrance fee is later sprinkled by Ken from the top of the tower to warn those below of his impending messy arrival; at the top Ken pretends to shoot Ray down below, but when it comes to making the actual shot later it is too foggy; the fat American who Ray and Ken warn of the steepness and windiness of the stairs has a heart attack, closing the tower; just as he looks to have made his escape, the police haul Ray back to Bruges for hitting the Canadian; the macabre figures found in the Hieronymus Bosch triptych that Ray and Ken study come to life in the final scene and pass a wounded Ray by forebodingly; Eric gets his revenge on Ray for blinding him, even though it was all his fault, really. It’s intricate, and small, seemingly inconsequential moments return again and again in a far more significant form. I think this ties into the theme of judgement, and how we are accountable for our actions.

“Murder, father”

The plot (although not the film) opens with a Catholic confession. The events that follow in Bruges are Ray’s “confession” to the murder of the little boy, and we are asked to judge Ray on whether his deeply-felt remorse and pledge to offer his life to the bereaved mother is sufficient to make up for the death of the boy. The ending is ambiguous, with the voice over spoken in the past tense to deliberately confuse chronology. Does Ray live? I don’t think he does, but I’m not sure that’s the right question. A better one would be, Is he redeemed? And if you are religious then it would become, I suppose, Does he go to heaven or hell? Ken and Harry are also judged, and both are found wanting. Ken suffers an undignified encounter with the pavement, and Harry is killed by his own rigid morality. McDonagh is intolerant of people that only take one viewpoint (ironically, had Harry been willing to see things from anything other than his absolute point of view, he would have discovered that the “child” was in fact Jimmy, a dwarf. What goes around, comes around.)

McDonagh is an atheist and described In Bruges as the ‘ultimate Catholic guilt film’ and that he wasn’t ‘trying to say that much about religion’. Well, inadvertently, he has. Religion, and I’m borrowing heavily from my dissertation here, seems to infect In Bruges. Gargoyles loom, effigies of Christ look on disapprovingly and figures from Hieronymus Bosch’s demented paintings of the final day on earth break free from the canvas onto the streets of Bruges. If you have ever been to Bruges you will know that there are churches everywhere – bar Rome and I dunno, Jerusalem, it must have the highest density of churches of anywhere in Europe. In Bruges finds religion problematic: the reason the boy was in the church where he was killed was, in the film’s most heart-breaking moment, for committing the sins of 1. Being moody 2. Being bad at maths 3. Being sad. It is ridiculous that the boy should have to ask forgiveness for these oh-so-grave transgressions. In addition, the boy’s death creates an inescapable association between violence against children and the Catholic Church, which has the real-world connotations of institutionalised paedophilia within the Church. It is clear that Catholicism is not looked on favourably, but while other non-religious people might not include it at all, in In Bruges it is nevertheless there, an inescapable force that shapes the entire film whether we follow its doctrines or not.

A little more on the child abuse within the church: there is a suggestion that Harry was sexually abused as a child by the priest that he orders Ray to murder. I’ve never been one to take deleted scenes too seriously – they’re deleted for a reason – but one depicts Harry as a child in the company of a man who wears the same ring that the priest did. Harry also describes this retrospectively as the ‘last happy ‘olliday that [he] ever had’. This is contradicted at one point when Ken says Harry ordered the priest’s murder over a housing project, but Harry could easily be lying about this; he doesn’t seem like the type willing to admit to having been abused. His primary motivation throughout the whole film is the preservation of children and vengeance upon those who have hurt them; he is unwavering on this even when his morals say he has to turn his gun upon himself. He refuses to fight Ray while a pregnant woman (Marie) could be caught in the crossfire, and he is livid when Ken calls his kids cunts (although that’s hardly an overreaction). This is what makes Harry a great character: his motivations are borderline honourable, he just has two critical, fatal flaws. One is that he takes vengeance against transgressors of his code to unusual, deadly extremes, and the other is that he can only see the world from one point of view, a characteristic common to McDonagh’s baddies. The two conspire against him in the final scene. He thinks he has killed a child and thus he must, going by his rigid morals, kill himself, and he won’t listen to Ray, who despite being riddled with bullets, tries to tell him that the “boy” is in fact a dwarf. One criticism I have of Harry is that his murder of the tower guard is motivated simply by annoyance, which goes against his honourable psychopath persona and shows him to be a cold-blooded killer instead.

*

The characters of Ray and Ken are shaped by a series of oppositions. Ray is youthful and impetuous; Ken is old and careful. Ray finds sightseeing tedious and has little care for history; Ken enjoys it and feels a certain tranquillity amidst all the old buildings and that. Ray engages with the locals; Ken does not. McDonagh sides with Ray on these fronts in a surprisingly decisive manner. Ken is enthused by, for instance, a phial of Jesus Christ’s blood while Ray shuffles his feet impatiently, declines and goes and charms a girl on a film set. However, Ken’s approach to history is only ever on a superficial level; his enjoyment derives from being amongst old things while never really engaging with them. For Ken, Bruges is a tourist attraction and the peace he feels comes from the town’s aesthetic rather than its people. Even though he professes to an interest in the Catholic history of Bruges, he never views the facades as anything other than just that: a façade. For Ken, the architecture is only skin deep.

It is perhaps ironic then that it is Ray, the one with an apparent utter apathy towards Bruges, that ends up restoring life to it. Ray is drawn to people and while his encounters do not always have happy outcomes, he at least engages with them, as Ken does not. The most obvious example is Chloe, with whom Ray begins a relationship. He also befriends a dwarf actor, Jimmy, offends three Americans and two Canadians, and blinds Chloe’s former boyfriend, Eric. Most of these encounters pass Ken by, who is off wandering about Bruges aimlessly. He does strike up something of a friendship with Marie and is bemused by Yuri, but other than that he distances himself from others.

It appears McDonagh has made a deliberate attempt to examine European relations, on which Ireland was for a long time perched on the fringe, separated from Europe by its great rival, Britain. Bruges itself seems to sit outside Europe, too. Belgium is a country that has had its identity dragged around by its larger neighbours more than most, and its capital, Brussels, is home to the European parliament due to Belgium’s largely inert political position. In addition to this, Bruges in life and in In Bruges, is an anachronism, a time capsule of the past, altered little in the last five hundred years.

I see this as having parallels with Ireland’s position within the European community. McDonagh is critical of Ken’s inability to engage with the locals, and Ken, being representative of old Ireland with its lingering Catholicism and moral conservatism, allows for this criticism to overlap into an allegory for Ireland’s distance from Europe during the greater part of the twentieth century. Ken sees Europe as an other place, not necessarily a bad place by any means, but somewhere resolutely unfamiliar full of people Ken does not understand. Ray, on the other hand, is representative of a post-Celtic Tiger Ireland which integrated at last into the European market place. A result of this is that Ray is less religious, more Hollywood than Holywood (Farrell was an incredibly astute choice for the role), and capable of seeing Europe and Europeans as something other than a tourist attraction.

Stereotypes play a prominent role in how the characters relate to each other. Ray is incredibly prejudiced against Americans, and sees every American as responsible for John Lennon’s death and the Vietnamese war. The Americans that do appear, of course (Jimmy excluded), are obese and are oblivious to European notions of personal space. They are, in one of the film’s repeated lines, “loud and crass” (and fat), and Jimmy repeatedly has to defend himself from accusations of being an American by saying “yeah, but don’t hold it against me”. The Dutch characters are Amsterdam prostitutes, naturally. The English character is a cockney gangster and the bad-guy of the piece. The Russian character, Yuri, is – what else – an arms dealer, albeit one far removed from traditional Russian mobsters.

And then, of course, there are Ken and Ray, members of the nation that suffers perhaps the worst stereotyping of all – particularly on film – the Irish. A result of massive Irish immigration to the United States in the latter half of the nineteenth century into the twentieth, clichés of Irishness have existed in American cinema since the earliest days. Arcadian imagery projecting Ireland as a rural idyll inhabited by red-headed, good-natured drunkards with a penchant for a good brawl offered second and third generation immigrant Irish populations an idealised homeland. The gift of the gab, leprechauns and luck are further endlessly perpetuated stereotypes.

Ray’s character seems split in two on this issue: one half fully and deliberately plays up to many of these clichés, while the other half doesn’t. His ‘gift of the gab’ allows him to talk his way past a security guard and charm Chloe enough to get her to go on a date with him. When Ray tucks into a much longed-for pint he declares, and it is written in the script as such, ‘dis is da foif’; later he boasts to Ken about the number of pints and bottles he has worked his way through while maintaining (relative) sobriety. Ray is frequently violent too and, aside from the obvious exception, it is slapstick violence and played for laughs. Examples include the bottle-swinging Canadian woman (bottles were previously identified as lethal weapons by Ray and Ken), his karate-chop on Jimmy (you don’t know karate! *chop*), and the way he blinds Eric is ridiculous if not laugh-out-loud funny (of course you can’t see, I just shot a blank in your fucking eye!). Ray embodies the representation of Irish as exotic Celtic “other,” which allows the audience to put distance between themselves and the otherwise cruel acts of violence Ray commits.

I would argue the reason McDonagh gets away with using slapstick violence to enable cliché is that the moral core of the film centres on an act of pre-meditated murder that has a horrific, unexpected consequence. Ray’s guilt over the accidental death of the boy hangs over the entire film and has the effect of making the smaller acts of violence tragi-comic threads in a wider tapestry of anti-violent sentiment.

*

My favourite character in the whole film is, as much as I love Ray, Ken and Jimmy, the hotel owner, Marie. When people use the phrase strong women, sometimes they mean a sort of globe-straddling Beyoncé character, or a kick-ass female action hero that can mix it with (and beat) the boys. I don’t really believe these unobtainable figurines can be considered strong women, not in a real sense. They don’t have real people problems, and can get out of difficult situations either through immense wealth or talent. Marie is different. Marie is a strong woman and an awesome lady even though she is only a modest hotel owner, which she runs with her husband, Patrice, whom we never see. At breakfast on the second morning, Ken tries to apologise for the sweary message left by Harry, but, in the presence of a lady is unable to bring himself to describe Harry in language he is familiar with. Marie finishes his sentence – ‘cock?’ – and Ken can only smirk in pleasure at her unexpected foul language. Take that, gender norms! This is just a minor incident, however. Marie’s golden moment is when Ray and Harry end up in a stalemate at her hotel during their shootout. Itching to carry on their shootout but unable to do so due to Marie’s presence, along with her unborn baby, Harry asks her kindly to leave so they can continue to kill each other. Ray implores her to do so, too, assuming she will do what he says because she is a woman. However, Marie refuses, plonking herself down on the stairs, and, despite being visibly terrified by the presence of two armed maniacs, tells them to fuck off and put down their guns and go home. Her stubbornness and bravery get the better of Ray and Harry, and they devise a bizarre plan to continue the shootout elsewhere. That is real bravery, not film bravery. She risked her life and her baby’s life in an attempt to dissuade Harry and Ray from their violent and destructive path, not in an effort to save other people, but to save them. Patrice is a lucky guy. I honestly can’t think of any characters that can match Marie for nobility and courage. One of the cop-outs in McDonagh’s follow-up, Seven Psychopaths, is that women are always useless in Hollywood films; Marie feels like McDonagh’s response to this.

So, Marie allows us to tick the feminist box, but what about the film’s other female character, Chloe? How do we regard her? Obviously Clemence Poesy is unfathomably beautiful, but Chloe seems largely superfluous to the plot. McDonagh grants narrative significance to all kinds of odd things, but Chloe doesn’t seem to do much at all. It is on his date with Chloe that Ray heeds the Canadian, and it is Chloe that picks him up from the police station after he is hauled back to Bruges for assault, and it is through Chloe that Ray ends up blinding Eric who informs Harry of his presence out of revenge, but other than as an enabler of other characters, Chloe does very little. 

The first thing we learn about her is that she is cine-literate, and provides a useful analysis of the dream sequence Jimmy is currently filming ‘…a pastiche…homage is too strong – a nod of the head?’ [to Nicholas Roeg’s Don’t Look Now, with which In Bruges shares many similarities]. As with Alabama in True Romance, cine-literacy is a highly-prized quality for women in film-world, and Chloe is thus idealised. This is possibly undercut by the revelation that she sells cocaine and heroin to Belgian film crews (and ketamine to a dwarf), and that she also, on occasion, robs tourists with Eric. She is far from being the film’s moral authority. To some, maybe, this gangster streak would make her a badass, maybe a ‘strong woman’ in the misguided sense discussed above; to me it makes her a bit of a bitch. An incredibly attractive bitch.

*

That’s mostly it covered, but I just want to highlight some of my favourite bits.

As mentioned previously, the phone call scene between Ken and Harry is the best in the film. The scripting is fantastic, and watching Ken try and get to grips with Harry’s child-like speech patterns and sweary petulance – “how can swans no be someone’s fucking thing!” – is a delight. Count the expressions and emotions that Gleeson puts into the performance, all in one take too. It’s a wonderful performance. Gleeson is magnificent throughout, but perhaps my favourite Gleeson moment is the death eye roll he delivers while lying splattered on Bruges’ main square. It puts all other eye rolls to shame. That, and the “I’m going to die now” is the culmination of perhaps the only real dark joke, but what a dark joke it is. As pointed out earlier, although Ken is a good character and one we are supposed to sympathise with, McDonagh doesn’t seem to trust him at all and makes his death an utter failure. Thus, after being shot in the neck in the stairwell of the belfry, McDonagh borrows the stirring Irish folk song ‘On Raglan Road’ by Luke Kelly to build up his sacrifice as a noble moment, a fitting end for a man who has made the decision to protect his friend even if it means losing his life. Then, at the top of the tower, the square is shrouded in mist, and Ken can’t make a shot. In one last effort to get his gun to Ray before Harry reaches the bottom, Ken jumps off the top. His gun smashes to pieces under his bulk, leaving a panicked Ray to fend off Harry alone. So, despite the stirring music and appearance of a great sacrifice, Ken has utterly failed to protect Ray. Ruthless as fuck from McDonagh, there.

That dog. That fucking dog. The one that looks at Ray on the bench in the main square. The ugliest dog in the world. That dog. It kills me. I made it my Facebook cover photo for a while (Trivia: the film’s other dog, the dog that sits facing out a window in the opening montage, actually lives in Bruges and sits at that very window)


Then there’s that shot where Ken’s coked-up head floats into shot over Ray’s shoulder, gurning away. As well as being witty with language and narrative, McDonagh can also conjure up some absurd images.



References: Lonergan, Patrick, The Theatre and Films of Martin McDonagh (London:  Meuthen Drama, 2012)
Peter Beech, 'My Favourite Film: In Bruges' http://www.theguardian.com/film/filmblog/2011/nov/18/my-favourite-film-in-bruges?commentpage=3#start-of-comments
Paul Martinovic, 'Looking Back at In Bruges' http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/17919/looking-back-at-in-bruges

The Moon: Use it or lose it

In the year 2034, aliens arrived. Astronomers, amateurs and scientists alike, gaped in awe at the array of glittering spacecraft that docked a few thousand miles above Earth’s outer atmosphere; military types eyed up their Big Red Buttons, part in fear, part in bloodlust. 

For a few days the aliens bombarded Earth with a whole spectrum of harmless radio waves, in order to, “experts” assumed, find a way into our telecommunications with the intention of cracking us from within. Tinfoil hats became suddenly all the rage, and even Queen Elizabeth II, still somehow alive and still keeping Prince Charles off the throne, was snapped by Hello! sporting one. A message announcing the aliens’ intentions came on the fifth day, and it appeared that the alien force, in all its majesty and splendour, had for some reason learnt English from inner-city Leeds. The message, broadcast across the whole world at once, read thus:

{{{ALRIGHT LADS! WE’RE JUST GONNA PARK OURSELVES ON THIS ‘ERE MOON, NO NEED TO WORRY! IT’S OURS NOW, BUT IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WERE DOING MUCH WITH IT ANYWAY, SO IF IT’S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, WE’LL KEEP OURSELVES TO OURSELVES IF YOU KEEP TO YOURSELVES. A PLEASURE DOIN’ BUSINESS WITH YER}}}

That was to be the last Earth ever heard from the aliens, at least directly. Well, almost. The aliens must have forgotten to turn the mic off because one more accidental yet portentous dialogue came through that echoed off mountains and down city streets and sent shivers of fear down the spines of everyone on Earth.

{{{OI GAZ, YOU GOT A FAG MATE?}}}

{{{NAH MATE I’M CLEAN OUT}}}

{{{FUCKSAKE. WANT ANYTHING FROM TESCO?}}}

{{{JUST A PACK OF FAGS. AND AN APPLE}}}

{{{AN APPLE? ARE YOU GAY MATE?}}}

{{{HOW DOES WANTING AN APPLE MAKE ME GAY? ALWAYS WITH THE HOMOPHOBIA MATE}}}

{{{CHILL OUT FOR FUCK SAKE. I WAS ONLY ASKING. SHIT THE MIC’S STILL ON}}}

{{{ Click }}}

Not quite the alien invaders Earth expected.

World leaders were stumped. They couldn’t even decide if we were being invaded. We were there first, true, but the aliens had a point – we weren’t really doing anything with it. And they didn’t seem to pose any threat to Earth itself, or her citizens. And what would happen if we angered them and they just went and took the moon away. It mightn’t be beyond them, and then we’d be fucked. So after a few months of no one being able to make a decision whatsoever, the decision was made for them. 

The bulk of the alien fleet disappeared through some slip in time or whatever, no one was really sure, but a few spacecraft stayed behind and squatted on the moon and began a construction project. With a surprising efficiency, artificial atmosphere domes appeared, followed by buildings – housing, entertainment – and then vast quantities of sand and water. Within a year of the aliens’ arrival, the moon – our beloved pearlescent orb and night time friend – had been turned into a holiday resort. 

The gentle white light reflected by the moon for the entirety of its existence was replaced by a gaudy pulsating purple glow. Bass boomed day and night, a constant throbbing that disrupted sleep and frayed the nerves of everyone on Earth. Ibiza threw its hands up in the hair and gave up partying, mumbling something about kids these days. 

No one had any idea what to do. A great council was called to think of a solution, with politicians, scientists and radical thinkers invited from every state on Earth. Except Argentina, who had a proven track record of uselessness in situations like this. Negotiations were considered the best bet, but the spacecraft sent up to the moon was mistaken for an incoming holiday makers’ flight and was turned away because they didn’t have the correct documentation.

And that was how the world ended.

Wednesday 10 July 2013

Jet ski!

Jet ski!

You crush Poseidon’s rolling foot-soldiers
Under your mighty waxen prow
And your whirling propeller scatters them
Like frightened pigeons! Hah!
Jet ski!

A vision of the future!
Green sailors look on in envy
As you laugh at dead wind
And leave the past behind at 70mph – whoosh!
Jet ski!

Clarkson would be proud
Of your mechanical thrust,
You lothario of the waves, you,
The greatest in the wuurld
Jet ski!

Is he a jet?
Is he a ski?
Does he care?
No! No! No! Look at him go!
Jet ski!

Monday 8 July 2013

Re-mythologising St. Lucia

I'm in St. Lucia, in the Caribbean. This is its creation story. All true.

*

St Lucia has changed ownership from British to French and back seven times. When in the hands of the British, only roads going downhill were built, because the British wanted to be closer to the sea where they felt at home. Following a successful invasion by the French, only roads going uphill were laid, because the French wanted to carve some Alpine sensibility and purity of air into the Caribbean. Because of this, St Lucia does not have any flat roads whatsoever: all are either built steeply uphill by the French or steeply downhill by the English. Which is which, of course, depends on where you are going.

What with the minimal civilisation before the arrival of the two colonial powers, it has ended up that France and Britain have inadvertently become something akin to parents of St. Lucia, albeit acrimoniously separated parents. If you have any doubt which nation is the mother and which the father, consider the language of St. Lucia, and consider western custody ruling norms.

Of course, the instability during its formative years as a result of this back and forth between Britain and France has led to St Lucia being something of an emotionally unstable teenager, given to sudden outpourings of tears sandwiched by spells of a sunny and cheerful disposition. At times it feels like the emotional downpouring is the norm.


The divorce between Britain and France has cost both dearly financially, and neither offered much more than nominal financial support to their offspring. To support itself, the island has to sell the fruits of its loins to its more prosperous neighbours: bananas (St. Lucia is more St. Luke than St. Lucy). Flogging its bananas abroad is not enough to stay alive, so St Lucia has been forced into opening itself for “business” from rich overseas folk. They come all over St. Lucia and eat his bananas and treat him like a dirty slut. St. Lucia dresses up real nice for these folk, and ensures that they don’t see the locals except in service positions.

Friday 28 June 2013

The familiar pang of an un-felt goodbye

We’ve all experienced it: that moment when you realise that the last time you will ever see a person has been and gone without alerting you of its passing. A disservice and an injustice done to a moment of great significance. Goodbyes are important because it is one of the few chances we get to be sincere and heartfelt towards another person without being embarrassing. They offer, to get all American-teen for a second, “closure”, and allow for a re-categorisation of someone-I-know to someone-I-used-to-know, present to past imperfect. Even if a goodbye is no more than perfunctory it still draws a line under a relationship; sometimes it is nothing more than symbolic, but that is important, too.


One feels cheated, then, by these un-felt farewells, these frictionless goodbyes that have been coming thick and fast in recent weeks, because they represent the denial of closure, a closure that has to be cobbled together in retrospect in a most unsatisfying manner. It is as if the invisible strand that connects you to the people you know has snapped and has been dragging in the dirt for some time. The feeling is akin to that when you are talking to someone only to realise they stopped some metres back to tie a shoelace, or to looking down and discovering you are bleeding from an un-felt minor wound. There’s a sense of oh, blimey, how has that happened? I must pay more attention in the future.  

Wednesday 19 June 2013

The ins and outs of competition sprinting: culture and technique

Since uni finished last month running has taken over my life to an even greater extent than it did previously. As well as that, I haven’t blogged in several months, so I’m going to write a bit about competition sprinting, the culture that surrounds it and what makes it so difficult.

*

The warm-up room at a major competition has a peculiar atmosphere. There’s never enough space, and the athletes whizz around the room like high-energy particles in a canister. A hundred or more fast, powerful, highly-trained and most importantly high-focused young men and women hop, sprint, skip and bound across the centre of the room in only a semi-organised mess. Fittingly, perhaps, the unspoken one-way rule goes most frequently unheard by the runners that warm up wearing over-ear headphones – Beats by Dre are endemic in the sprinting world – to block everyone out. The most interesting are the javelin throwers, who gracefully side-step/leap across the room, trailing arm carrying an imaginary javelin and the other held at shoulder height, flexing at the elbow with each stride. I realised with some excitement after a few moments observation that it looks like they are playing enormous imaginary violins while dancing across the warm up area. And there are always a few athletes at the side that perform arcane warm-up gyrations and contortions to no obvious end, loosening muscles that I didn’t even know existed. If the athlete in question is particularly talented, it’s hard not to ask yourself what they know that you don’t, but it’s best just to get on with it.

Trying to assess the opposition in the warm-up area is a mug’s game, anyway. Bulging muscles, an intense stare and a dropped-hip swagger – the sprinter’s prowl, I call it – are by no means indications of speed. Nor is the rapid through-the-teeth exhalations produced by runners over the first half-dozen strides or so of a maximum effort push out. It sounds impressive, but when you realise it a) has no performance benefit, b) only distracts you from the fact that they are not moving particularly quickly, and c) makes them sound like a burst balloon, it is suddenly less intimidating. It’s incredibly satisfying to beat these types. The temptation is always there to turn your warm-up into a performance of machismo, but the real talents, the guys capable of medalling, don’t bother with this because their performances speak for themselves, so why should I? If I sound critical it’s because psychology is a crucial aspect as sprinting: it’s easy to feel daunted by shows of power, so it’s essential to be able identify them and to filter them out in order to boost self-confidence. It has reached the point that a warm up is the only time I feel bulletproof; I might not be able to beat everybody, but I will never feel intimidated, no matter how much macho posturing goes on.  

Sprinters take themselves very seriously. Go on twitter and find a few sprinters’ profiles: many of them add their event of choice onto their handle, and their bio will often describe them specifically as a sprinter. For the most part these guys and girls are amateurs – talented and dedicated, probably, but still amateurs. I can’t imagine any non-paid footballers identify first and foremost as centre-mids, or false-nines - ‘@AndrewMcIntyreNo9 Up and coming trequartista for the Lion & Stag Inn, onesie enthusiast #teamnike #believe #livethedream Location: in the hole’ – but it’s understandable. Runners that make the top 100 on the powerof10 rankings (www.powerof10.info – a fantastic website) would be able to earn a living if they were equally ranked in, say, football or rugby. It follows that they would want people to know that they are serious sportsmen, even if they there’s no money in it. For what it’s worth, by my estimations I would be plying my trade somewhere in League 2 if I were as good at football as I am at running.

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A 100m sprint may last less than eleven seconds, but a serious amount of preparation and skill goes into a well-executed sprint. No one ever believes me when I say I am useless over any distance above 400m, and that from 5k and beyond, I am probably below average: we just don't have that kind of fitness. However, that is not to say sprinting does not require fitness; rather, it requires a very specific type of fitness. The event itself is over in a flash, but the warm-up lasts around forty minutes, sometimes longer, and it has to be executed with a high intensity and precision. To your averagely fit guy, this may well constitute a full work out, but sprinters have to be fit enough to work their way through a sequence of demanding exercises and short sprints while being able to go into the race with a minimum of fatigue.

Oh how I envy distance runners. Their event requires incredible levels of stamina and mental strength, but at least the basic movement is uncomplicated. They have time to think, time to relax, and time to fall into a rhythm. On the other hand, executing a sprint is complicated. Like, it’s a really tricky thing to do, with a knotty contradiction between staying relaxed – the key is keeping your face wobbly – while running at maximum effort. It takes an extraordinary amount of self-control to pull this off. Perhaps the hardest thing to learn is that 100m is actually quite a long way. Maximum output, even amongst elite sprinters, is less than ten seconds. It’s about four or five, and the key is distributing this effort across the distance for maximum effect. This means taking time to accelerate properly. The temptation to get up straight as soon as possible and go for it as hard as possible is strong, but it has to be resisted. The key to running 100m is moving through the phases efficiently, without rushing them.

The first phase is the sweep phases, which comprises the first 3-5 strides – the ‘sweep’ comes from the necessity of keeping your feet as close to the ground as possible in order to minimise leg-swing time. There’s a common misconception that Bolt is both a bad starter and poor technically. A complete myth. His sweep is precise and powerful, which is especially impressive given his stature. Dem hip flexors. Check it.

Following the sweep phase is the drive phase, which lasts from about 5m to 35m. Sprinters are often told to stay low, but this advice is slightly disingenuous in that makes it sound it like staying low is an active process, which is not the case. A properly executed start mechanic will keep the body angle low until it rises of its own accord; done right and this will be between thirty and forty metres, depending on the maturity of the athlete. Less powerful athletes will have a shorter drive phase because less acceleration can be wrung from their muscles. This is really fucking difficult to do because a combination of adrenaline and the runners around you storming ahead throws you very easily into panic mode, which will scramble efforts to stay relaxed and in control. I’m not sure I’ve ever got this right, although fortunately the closest I’ve come also happened to be the Hampshire Countyfinal. I was way back at 60m, but I’d executed properly which allowed me to reach top speed and I clawed my way back. I set a massive PB of 10.80 and got a bronze medal against the odds.

The final phase is maintaining speed. Apparently, and I’m not 100% on this, but when you see an athlete pull away from the field it is usually that they are maintaining their speed properly while imperfect sprint mechanics of their rivals see them decelerate marginally. I’m not sure this holds for the likes of Bolt: he’s just faster. One good example is this race between Frenchman Christophe Lemaitre, Justin Gatlin and Kim Collins. Lemaitre is one of my idols since he is the only top-class sprinter who resembles myself – tall, skinny, my age and white. Anyway, while it looks like Lemaitre hauls Gatlin in through higher top-end speed, really it is Gatlin who imperfectly maintains technique: the pressure from Lemaitre coming through made him tighten up horribly, while Lemaitre remained relaxed right through to the finish. It was a similar story for Collins, who saw his big lead gained from an unreal start wiped out in moments because he too tightened up in the last 30. It goes to show that the assumption I often hear that the start is the most important thing is not true. It is important, yes, but more important than being in the lead at 40m is setting up your final 60m.