People love discussing who the greatest athlete of all time is. Sport is all about being the best, and people love arguing and getting on their hobby horses, so it makes for a lively -- if futile -- conversation.
There's no objective standard, of course, so no one ever wins and everyone ends up feeling a little aggrieved. It's fun anyway but that's how it is. People usually just pick the best athlete in their favourite sport and that's about it.
Moving on.
Did you know that Everest isn't indisputably the tallest mountain in the world? Its peak is the highest from sea level, but other measurements are available.
Mauna Kea in Hawaii, from base to tip, is 33,500ft -- 4,500ft taller than Everest is high. But a lot of it is below the sea so it doesn't reach as high up into the atmosphere.
The peak of Chimborazo in Ecuador is further from the centre of the Earth than any other. That's because of the equatorial bulge that results from the Earth's spin. However, it stands a relatively modest 20,500ft from sea level, making Chimborazo the mountain equivalent of a man who shoves socks down his pants.
Kilimanjaro is smaller still, topping out at 19,300ft above sea level. But dominating its Tanzanian plain, it stands taller above its surrounding area to a greater extent than any other mountain. That's worthy of recognition, too.
See where I'm going with this?
In thinking about athletes and mountains, I realised that maybe mountain categorisation offers a better, or at least more nuanced, way of looking at the greatest athlete debate. It provides a way of recognising athletes in smaller participation sports as well as in the most popular ones.
Let's get started.
The Mount Kilimanjaro Award for Low-Participation Dominance - WAYNE GRETZKY
If you spend too much time on Reddit, like I do, you will notice there are certain facts that people learn once and repeat ad nauseum to seem clever. Did you know Queen Cleopatra is more contemporary to the current day than to the construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza? Boy do people on Reddit love saying that. Sheesh.
Another one concerns Canadian ice hockey player Wayne Gretzky. The fact goes: Even if you removed all Gretzky's goals, his assists alone would be worth more points than any other player's goals and assists combined. I don't fully understand how you get a "point" for assists, but I think it means no other player's G+A > Wayne's A. Maybe that wasn't any clearer, actually.
Despite not knowing anything about ice hockey, that sounds undeniably amazing, and potentially a record that makes him a cross-sport contender. But that's not what this piece is about, and the thing is, fuck all people play ice hockey. Statista reckons there are a bit over one million registered players globally. FIFA reckons there are 265 million football players; indeed, referees outnumber ice hockey players five-to-one. (Which begs the question, who is the Wayne Gretzky of refereeing?)
So well done to Wayne, who stands in serene, towering, majestic isolation. You are the Kilimanjaro of sport.
Honourable mention: Beryl Burton (cycling).
The Mount Chimborazo Award for Unusual Height - YELENA ISINBAYEVA
Won't lie to you this award is a bit ropey. I've gone for Russian pole vaulter Yelena Isinbayeva.
Isinbayeva is one of the greatest athletes all time. Her mantlepiece presumably sags under the weight of two Olympic and three World Championship golds, as well as THIRTY of whatever they give out for world records. That is about as emphatic a career as you could hope to find.
Why Isinbayeva for this one, though, and not, say, the previous one, given pole vault's low participation? Well, Chimborazo is the tallest from the centre of the Earth and pole-vaulting is the sport that takes the athlete furthest from the Earth under the athlete's own steam. Therefore it seems fitting to give it to the greatest vaulter -- Isinbayeva.
The Mauna Kea Award for Most Elite Athlete -- ELIUD KIPCHOGE
No sport has more participants than good old running. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot again -- keep 'em coming. Bliss. The number of people that have tried running is almost the same as the number of people who have ever existed. Humans only made it through the pre-civilisation period by being able to run a really long way. Sorry, sprinters, it's distance running that is the sport of humanity.
And of the 107 billion humans who have ever lived Eliud Kipchoge is the best at it. Kipchoge has almost never been beaten in the marathon, and is the event's official marathon world record holder, with 2:01:39. He also holds an unofficial time of 1:59:40, making him the only human to break the two-hour barrier -- a truly mind-bending accomplishment that involved running eight-consecutive 14-minute 5ks, plus a bit more. Ok, yes, two hours is an arbitrary marker, and it was achieved with the help of advanced footwear and a team of pacemakers, but he still had to do it. Incredible.
You could argue that Paula Radcliffe's marathon WR was more impressive (and in fact I do believe that), but her record has annoyingly fallen, albeit to an athlete with Nike's advanced footwear. Her dominance of the event was much less sustained as well.
Therefore, Kipchoge wins it!
Honourable Mentions: Paula Radcliffe, Michael Phelps (swimming) and Jan Železný (javelin) (the two potential other sports crucial to human survival).
The Mount Everest Award for Biggest Global Sports - DON BRADMAN
Alright, this one takes some working out. I'm afraid we're pretty much in normal Greatest Sportsman Discussion territory here. What are we looking for? A tete-a-tete of the best athletes in the world's biggest sports by participation and popularity. Football. Basketball. American Football. Cricket, with a modifier; tennis; golf...I guess I have to consider it. F1? Not a sport.
Football - LIONEL MESSI
The sport's genius who can do things others can't even conceive of. Racking up 730 goals and 340 assists for Barcelona and Argentina, Messi exceeds even Ronaldo, three years his senior.
Basketball - LEBRON JAMES
My opinion of King James being better than Jordan is based mainly on James seeming like a humble, intelligent man and Jordan seeming like an absolute arsehole.
American Football - TOM BRADY
There aren't many players in any sport with more personal accolades than any other team, but that's what Brady has with his seven Super Bowls.
Cricket - DON BRADMAN
Bradman has a test batting average of 99.94. The next best is 61.87, after which there are (almost) no gaps to each subsequent guy of greater than 1.0. Bradman is so far and away the best batsman it is absurd. And cricket isn't like football, where all the scoring records were set in the early-mid century. No, modern and old batsmen alike rub shoulders in the batting rankings. Australia's Sam Smith is #3 and he's still playing. Our winner!
Tennis - NOVAK DJOKOVIC
I'm sorry Serena, Roger and Rafa, I have to give this one to Djokovic. Serena's 23 slams are more than the guys - and in fact Roger and Rafa are ahead of Djok in that regard, too. But Djokovic will end his career with the most of the men -- and he's spent his entire career battling the other two best male players of all time. Serena may equal or surpass Margaret Court (she needs one more), but women's tennis seems to have a high churn rate of players and Serena lacks another contemporary great to measure herself against -- a Graf, or Navratilova.
Golf - TIGER WOODS
An annoying personality in an annoying sport isn't enough reason to rule out golf and its greatest player, Tiger Woods. The man racks up titles as fast as personal life controversies.
Athletics - USAIN BOLT
The consummate sportsperson whose glittering exploits are elevated by a magnetic personality, Bolt almost singlehandedly kept athletics relevant for a decade. There are few more awe-inspiring sights than Bolt in full flow.
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I have to admit I'm a bit irritated that I wrote all that and still ended up with a pretty standard discussion in the last category. I will take suggestions on ways to divide that big category up, sticking to the mountain format.
Also conscious that the list is almost all men, but there are a few reasons for that. Drugs have ruined women's athletics from a records standpoint so I don't recognise the validity of almost all women's track records. Dalilah Muhammad and her recent 400mh record is about the only one. Additionally, other sports are largely in a state of development, particularly football which is only just finding its feet outside North America. Serena can consider herself hard done by, as can cycling's greatest female (and potentially greatest overall) athlete, Leeds' Beryl Burton.
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