Castles

Castles are effing brill. If I had the means, I would build one right now, then stage some epic battles and partially demolish it to give that authentic feel. They're so steeped in mystique and drama, relics of a bygone era, and have the power to capture the imagination more than pretty much anything, ever. Happily, England, Scotland and Wales are veritably littered with these ancient fortresses, so much so that it's fair to say Britain rules when it comes to castles. That's not to say other countries don't have them, oh no. France have some grand ones, though they tend to lean more to the fortified-chateau end of the spectrum, which I tend to disregard as superficial pomp. The Germans and Austrians are good too, although similar to the French theirs are more fortified houses, though the results can be the stuff of fairytales. Going East, the magnificent Bran Castle of Dracula fame is the best in Eastern-Europe, then much further East the Japanese have made some gorgeous ones.

May as well start with the one just down the road: Windsor Castle. The biggest? Possibly. The best-maintained? Absolutely. The coolest? Well...no. It's a bit to well-preserved, a bit tourist-y, and while the Long Walk looks epic beyond belief, it's a bit too cultivated, not surprising given the Queen lives there still, which is a bit boring. Much rather an powerful Lord of olde, reclusive, eccentric, and off-limits to the public. It's imagination that makes these things interesting, which brings me to Raglan Castle.

Now this thing is properly cool. Its more-or-less unheard of, with brutes like Warwick, Caernarfon and the aforementioned Windsor being the most recognised, but for my money this is what a proper castle looks like. Its crumbling perfectly. Somewhat dissapointingly it never saw action, more a marker of the wealth and power of a prominent lord, but I'm guessing it achieved that pretty spectacularly in its early-15th century hey-day. It's almost worth going to Wales for. Another great picture here.

Quickly now, a run-down of the other best British castles. Warwick Castle is a good 'un, in which Warwick the Kingmaker, the most badass of all nobles ever, imprisioned Edward IV for a while. Whether was actually used for defence I have no idea, though I wouldn't fancy trying to get past the double-gate thingy it has got going on.

Leeds Castle is undeniably the prettiest, surrounded 75% by a lake, and was the one-time humble abode of Henry VIII. It also has a maze, which are awesome, that can't be solved by the old I'll-keep-one-hand-on-the-wall-and-keep-walking method.

Perched on the top of mountain somewhere in the heart-land of Germany is the Schloss Neuschwanstein, which I think you'll agree looks damn cool, and damn haunted. It's not really a castle, but I'd imagine it'd be pretty hard to attack, not least because no one would want to go near the damn thing in the first place. As cool, if not cooler, is Burg Eltz, which looks none-more-dramatic with the dark forest looking around it. As an added bonus, the same family has lived there for thirty-generations. That's not too far off a millenium. I would love to meet them.

However, the Germanic castle to end all Germanic castles is Bran Castle, which is somewhat less-wholesome than its name might suggest. Dominating Romania, it's a little lumpy from some angles...well, most angles, but being the home of Vlad the Impaler gives it exhalted status. It's wonky structure makes it look a touch insane, as do the spooky tunnels down which hundeds met grisly deaths.

The best French one isn't even in France, it was built by Crusaders in Syria, and is perhaps the only one on this list that was involved in heavy fighting. Krak des Chevaliers is the hard-nut: despite being the stage for numerous pitched battles between the Crusaders and the Muslims, it's still standing even though it looks pretty-well worn out. The best pompous French chateau is the Chateau de Versailles, daftly near Paris. Credit where credits due, it is exceptionally grand and nearly bankrupted France during its construction, but they should have made it a bit meatier. That's the French for you, I guess.

Lastly we go to Japan. In typically Japanese fashion, their castles are incredibly beautiful, if a bit pansy, none more so than the Himeji Castle. It looks like it would fall over if caught in a light breeze, so it was lucky that battles never came close to troubling its manicured exterior.

So there it is. I'm a massive castle geek. They're amazing. I think I've just got enough energy to show you one last English beaut, Alnwick Castle (say: ANN-ick). You can thank this one for fighting off the Scandanavian hordes.

Uncharted

Right, so Uncharted 2 was the best game of last year, we all know that. Annoyingly, it appears Mass Effect 2 has upped the ante somewhat, so I've made a little list here of what Naughty Dog can do to regain that top spot.

1) Get a good storyline. The past two storylines have been functional if not particularly surprising, in fact I would go as far to say that without the brilliant characterisation it would be seen as bog-standard. At only one point during U2 was it not blatantly obvious where the plot was going to go next. Maybe there could be two opposing forces instead of the single horde of enemies, which brings me on to my next point...

2) More variety of enemies. In the whole game there were basically 6 types of baddy, two of which play a minor role, and feature three times at most. It's pretty monotonous, and needs a shake-up.

3)More open level design. Uncharted 2 was at its best when there were several option to take, be it tackle them head-on, excellently implemented stealth, or sneak into a better position before bringing the pain. Too often sneaking was scuppered by annoyingly position sentries.

4)Meatier weaponry. Nothing, bar the obligatory RPG/Grenade Launcher, really feels powerful. Guns, apparently, are pretty scary things, but there's no sense of this; the rifles have the potency of paint-ball guns, but the pistols are pretty good. Even the grenade explosions are pretty pathetic, with soldiers surviving even in close proximity. If meatier weapons mean more gore, then so be it, I want to do some damage.

5)Less obvious 'videogame' moments. Although admittedly rare, there were occasions when Uncharted lapsed out of laziness into standard turn-of-the-century fare, i.e retardedly tough enemies and boss fights. The uber-soldier at the end of the train was totally incongruous and interrupted the flow, and the final boss-fight was just pretty weak and out of character with the just-about-believable settings.

That'll do pig, that'll do.

List Of Films I Need To See Before October

Right, so my charms and wiley ways were enough to b(l)ag myself an offer from Southampton for BA Film & English, so I guess I better start watching some films. Here be a checklist of films, modern and classic, that I reckon I will need to have seen.

Citizen Kane   My diagnosis: Well that's the big one done. I don't think theres anything I could possibly say that hasn't already been said, so I won't even try.

2001: A Space Odessey My diagnosis: Momentous

Godfathers I & II My diagnosis: Will probably need re-watching (read: overrated?)

Schindler's List My diagnosis: Schindler's List makes you feel pretty awful about the holocaust jokes that you've no doubt cracked at some point. The images are haunting; the realisation that it is not snow falling from the sky, but human ash, and the girl in the red dress - powerful moment in a film with plenty.

Psycho
Vertigo  
My diagnosis: Why this is so highly feted I have no idea. The characters are insipid; the plot reasonably complex but no more so than that; the double-peak narrative is clumsy. Yes the vertigo effect is pretty neat, but this is not a good film, and certainly no where near to being one of the greatest ever. In other news, only three to go!

Die Hard  My diagnosis: It's easy to see why Die Hard is such an enduring favourite. The action is great, but I was surprised by the relationship between McClane and the cop; the dynamic was certainly interesting. Sadly it dipped into typical Hollywood schlock too often: the 'million-dollar deal man' was ill-judged, as was the random appearance at the end by Karl. The man was clearly dead. There is no way you survive being hanged for an hour.

Up My diagnosis: The best thing about this film is the 10-minute introduction that sets up Carl. It is perfect: it gives Carl the essential vulnerability and back-story that would otherwise have been difficult to cram in. The rest of the film takes this initial expository and keeps it as its beating heart. Pixar can do no wrong.

Pulp Fiction My diagnosis: Bad-ass, muthafuka.

Jackie Brown My diagnosis: Far from being the Tarantino classic that it is regularly billed as, Jackie Brown falls short of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs thanks to re-hashed characters (did Tarantino really expect to get away with casting S.L.J. yet again as a smack-talking hard-ass, albeit this time devoid of any class?) and, frankly, a boring plot.

Silence of the Lambs
My diagnosis: Worthy of its reputation, likewise for the performance of Anthony Hopkins. Foster was less convincing, but still very good.

Harry Brown My diagnosis: Loses out to Gran Torino (see below) in the OAP-Vigilante tussle. Harry Brown himself is an excellent character, but the scumbags he kills are so far from being rational humans it is like watching an angry old man killing a load of angry animals.

Raging Bull My diagnosis: My oh my, Robert de Niro can really act.

Rocky

Moon My diagnosis: Bowie's in space!

Battleship Potemkin My diagnosis: Russian women were properly ugly. Good film though.

Trainspotting My diagnosis: The toilet scene is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Doesn't quite live up to it status as Brit classic.

 Amelie

Enter The Dragon My diagnosis: I expected a rubbish story, but even the fight scenes were lame. At no point did I think, "Wow, that was cool", it was just boring, poorly acted, obviously scripted fights. The only redeeming feature is when I found afterwards that Bruce Lee kicked a guy so hard in the chest he broke his sternum and the arms of the guys behind that caught him. That's undeniably awesome, but even that didn't look particularly noteworthy while I was watching it.

Full Metal Jacket My diagnosis: Follows the The Deer Hunter format of a before/during Vietnam, but no after. Without this final segment the two parts seem isolated with little cohesion other than a few characters. Both parts by themselves, however, are entertaining stuff.

Casablanca
Dr. Strangelove  My diagnosis: Somehow funnier in theory than execution. It's clever - there are plenty of moments where you think 'I can see what they've done there' - but they just don't necesarily translate to laughs.

Taxi Driver Mr diagnosis: asuykdhjbfadya

Goodfellers
My diagnosis: Everything is great about this movie except the ending. What a let down.

Spinal Tap My diagnosis: As a satire of the hard-rock lifestyle it is note perfect, but as a comedy it simply isn't funny after the New Originals bit. Big dissapointment, this one.

Snatch My diagnosis: Propah fakkin' cockney like.

Gran Torino My diagnosis: Poignant, human, and Clint Eastwood