Castles

Castles are effing brill. If I had the means, I would build one right now, then stage some epic battles and partially demolish it to give that authentic feel. They're so steeped in mystique and drama, relics of a bygone era, and have the power to capture the imagination more than pretty much anything, ever. Happily, England, Scotland and Wales are veritably littered with these ancient fortresses, so much so that it's fair to say Britain rules when it comes to castles. That's not to say other countries don't have them, oh no. France have some grand ones, though they tend to lean more to the fortified-chateau end of the spectrum, which I tend to disregard as superficial pomp. The Germans and Austrians are good too, although similar to the French theirs are more fortified houses, though the results can be the stuff of fairytales. Going East, the magnificent Bran Castle of Dracula fame is the best in Eastern-Europe, then much further East the Japanese have made some gorgeous ones.

May as well start with the one just down the road: Windsor Castle. The biggest? Possibly. The best-maintained? Absolutely. The coolest? Well...no. It's a bit to well-preserved, a bit tourist-y, and while the Long Walk looks epic beyond belief, it's a bit too cultivated, not surprising given the Queen lives there still, which is a bit boring. Much rather an powerful Lord of olde, reclusive, eccentric, and off-limits to the public. It's imagination that makes these things interesting, which brings me to Raglan Castle.

Now this thing is properly cool. Its more-or-less unheard of, with brutes like Warwick, Caernarfon and the aforementioned Windsor being the most recognised, but for my money this is what a proper castle looks like. Its crumbling perfectly. Somewhat dissapointingly it never saw action, more a marker of the wealth and power of a prominent lord, but I'm guessing it achieved that pretty spectacularly in its early-15th century hey-day. It's almost worth going to Wales for. Another great picture here.

Quickly now, a run-down of the other best British castles. Warwick Castle is a good 'un, in which Warwick the Kingmaker, the most badass of all nobles ever, imprisioned Edward IV for a while. Whether was actually used for defence I have no idea, though I wouldn't fancy trying to get past the double-gate thingy it has got going on.

Leeds Castle is undeniably the prettiest, surrounded 75% by a lake, and was the one-time humble abode of Henry VIII. It also has a maze, which are awesome, that can't be solved by the old I'll-keep-one-hand-on-the-wall-and-keep-walking method.

Perched on the top of mountain somewhere in the heart-land of Germany is the Schloss Neuschwanstein, which I think you'll agree looks damn cool, and damn haunted. It's not really a castle, but I'd imagine it'd be pretty hard to attack, not least because no one would want to go near the damn thing in the first place. As cool, if not cooler, is Burg Eltz, which looks none-more-dramatic with the dark forest looking around it. As an added bonus, the same family has lived there for thirty-generations. That's not too far off a millenium. I would love to meet them.

However, the Germanic castle to end all Germanic castles is Bran Castle, which is somewhat less-wholesome than its name might suggest. Dominating Romania, it's a little lumpy from some angles...well, most angles, but being the home of Vlad the Impaler gives it exhalted status. It's wonky structure makes it look a touch insane, as do the spooky tunnels down which hundeds met grisly deaths.

The best French one isn't even in France, it was built by Crusaders in Syria, and is perhaps the only one on this list that was involved in heavy fighting. Krak des Chevaliers is the hard-nut: despite being the stage for numerous pitched battles between the Crusaders and the Muslims, it's still standing even though it looks pretty-well worn out. The best pompous French chateau is the Chateau de Versailles, daftly near Paris. Credit where credits due, it is exceptionally grand and nearly bankrupted France during its construction, but they should have made it a bit meatier. That's the French for you, I guess.

Lastly we go to Japan. In typically Japanese fashion, their castles are incredibly beautiful, if a bit pansy, none more so than the Himeji Castle. It looks like it would fall over if caught in a light breeze, so it was lucky that battles never came close to troubling its manicured exterior.

So there it is. I'm a massive castle geek. They're amazing. I think I've just got enough energy to show you one last English beaut, Alnwick Castle (say: ANN-ick). You can thank this one for fighting off the Scandanavian hordes.