List Of Films I Need To See Before October

Right, so my charms and wiley ways were enough to b(l)ag myself an offer from Southampton for BA Film & English, so I guess I better start watching some films. Here be a checklist of films, modern and classic, that I reckon I will need to have seen.

Citizen Kane   My diagnosis: Well that's the big one done. I don't think theres anything I could possibly say that hasn't already been said, so I won't even try.

2001: A Space Odessey My diagnosis: Momentous

Godfathers I & II My diagnosis: Will probably need re-watching (read: overrated?)

Schindler's List My diagnosis: Schindler's List makes you feel pretty awful about the holocaust jokes that you've no doubt cracked at some point. The images are haunting; the realisation that it is not snow falling from the sky, but human ash, and the girl in the red dress - powerful moment in a film with plenty.

Psycho
Vertigo  
My diagnosis: Why this is so highly feted I have no idea. The characters are insipid; the plot reasonably complex but no more so than that; the double-peak narrative is clumsy. Yes the vertigo effect is pretty neat, but this is not a good film, and certainly no where near to being one of the greatest ever. In other news, only three to go!

Die Hard  My diagnosis: It's easy to see why Die Hard is such an enduring favourite. The action is great, but I was surprised by the relationship between McClane and the cop; the dynamic was certainly interesting. Sadly it dipped into typical Hollywood schlock too often: the 'million-dollar deal man' was ill-judged, as was the random appearance at the end by Karl. The man was clearly dead. There is no way you survive being hanged for an hour.

Up My diagnosis: The best thing about this film is the 10-minute introduction that sets up Carl. It is perfect: it gives Carl the essential vulnerability and back-story that would otherwise have been difficult to cram in. The rest of the film takes this initial expository and keeps it as its beating heart. Pixar can do no wrong.

Pulp Fiction My diagnosis: Bad-ass, muthafuka.

Jackie Brown My diagnosis: Far from being the Tarantino classic that it is regularly billed as, Jackie Brown falls short of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs thanks to re-hashed characters (did Tarantino really expect to get away with casting S.L.J. yet again as a smack-talking hard-ass, albeit this time devoid of any class?) and, frankly, a boring plot.

Silence of the Lambs
My diagnosis: Worthy of its reputation, likewise for the performance of Anthony Hopkins. Foster was less convincing, but still very good.

Harry Brown My diagnosis: Loses out to Gran Torino (see below) in the OAP-Vigilante tussle. Harry Brown himself is an excellent character, but the scumbags he kills are so far from being rational humans it is like watching an angry old man killing a load of angry animals.

Raging Bull My diagnosis: My oh my, Robert de Niro can really act.

Rocky

Moon My diagnosis: Bowie's in space!

Battleship Potemkin My diagnosis: Russian women were properly ugly. Good film though.

Trainspotting My diagnosis: The toilet scene is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Doesn't quite live up to it status as Brit classic.

 Amelie

Enter The Dragon My diagnosis: I expected a rubbish story, but even the fight scenes were lame. At no point did I think, "Wow, that was cool", it was just boring, poorly acted, obviously scripted fights. The only redeeming feature is when I found afterwards that Bruce Lee kicked a guy so hard in the chest he broke his sternum and the arms of the guys behind that caught him. That's undeniably awesome, but even that didn't look particularly noteworthy while I was watching it.

Full Metal Jacket My diagnosis: Follows the The Deer Hunter format of a before/during Vietnam, but no after. Without this final segment the two parts seem isolated with little cohesion other than a few characters. Both parts by themselves, however, are entertaining stuff.

Casablanca
Dr. Strangelove  My diagnosis: Somehow funnier in theory than execution. It's clever - there are plenty of moments where you think 'I can see what they've done there' - but they just don't necesarily translate to laughs.

Taxi Driver Mr diagnosis: asuykdhjbfadya

Goodfellers
My diagnosis: Everything is great about this movie except the ending. What a let down.

Spinal Tap My diagnosis: As a satire of the hard-rock lifestyle it is note perfect, but as a comedy it simply isn't funny after the New Originals bit. Big dissapointment, this one.

Snatch My diagnosis: Propah fakkin' cockney like.

Gran Torino My diagnosis: Poignant, human, and Clint Eastwood

The Best Lines From Flight Of The Conchords

These guys are capable of genius lines. Here are my favourites, in order that they appear on my iPod.

10) "They call me the Hiphopopotamous, my lyrics are bottomless."

"..."

9) "They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers/ But what's the real cost 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper/ Why are we paying so mch for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?"

8)"Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls...Carribean...Parisian...Bolivian...Eastern Indochinian...Reptilian...Presbyterian"

7) "Oh pretty prince of parties where's
the party now? - I don't know.
Oh pretty prince of parties where does
water go? - I let it flow.
Oh pretty prince of parties can I come
to your party? - No."

6) "Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor"

and "Oohh leggy-blonde you've got it going on, I see you wearin' that thong thong thong, ohh let's get in on 'till the break of dawn, nmnmnnmnomnn panties on"

5) "Binary solo: 00000001 00000011 00000111 00001111 oh (oh) oh one (one) one oh (oh) Come on sucka' lick my battery"

4) "A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south whoah oh oh"

3) "Let's get in a cab/ I'll buy you a kebab/ Now I can't believe I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen/ With a kebab"

2) "Making love.../Making love for.../Making love for two.../Making love for two minutes"
"You whisper somthing sexy like "Is that it?"/ I know what you're trying to say, girl, you're trying to say "ahhh yeaah that's it" and you tell me you want some more, well uhh, I'm nto surprised"

2) "Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch- ch- ch- changes?"

2) "Oh Frodo whatcha doin' wearin' the ring/ All-powerful jewellery is that your new thing?"
"I dont rap about bitches and hoes/I rap about witches and trolls"

1) "I'm not crying, its just been raining...on my face"
"These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me - I've just been cutting onions. I'm making a lasange...for one"

"If you chop one off, will two more grow in its place?" and other inappropriate questions to ask Maidenhead's two-headed woman

On Thursday, I was told about a woman with two heads who had begun living in Maidenhead. On Friday, I saw her. It was, without question, the most bizarre thing I have ever seen in my life. Perhaps the weirdest thing is that - apart from the 2/3 Cerberus issue - it wasn't that weird. They're totally normal looking people by themselves, more so than these http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSy9W3gIhnQ two, who look a bit odd. Anyway, their existance raises a ton of politically-incorrect questions that are endlessly fun to speculate over.

1) If you chop one off, do two grow in its place?

2) Do they have to pay for two cinema tickets, or just the one?

3) Who controls what? Have they decided that one gets the legs and the other the arms, or has one made the other her bitch?

4) If they have kids, would said kid have to have two mothers on its birth-certificate?

5) Would you?

6) Word on the street has it that they have two hearts - are they in fact Time Lords?

7) If they had three breasts to match the supposed three lungs and two hearts, would you now?

8) What about two va- okay I don't want to know that actually

9) Which would win in a fight?

10) Does it count as incest?

P.S sorry for the massive delay between posts, literally nothing in the last month of my life has been blog-worthy.


EDIT: Apparently they are the two girls in that video, just all grown up now.

Fuck You I Won't Do What You Tell Me! (unless your name is Jon or Tracy Morton)

Right, so we did it. It feels like VE Day all over again. Simon Cowell's corporate tyranny has been de-throned, the ring cut from his finger; the Great British Public (and right now I'm happy to call them that) has propelled Rage Against the Machine to the summit of the UK Charts. And it feels amazing.

Victory is only made sweeter by tragedy that would have been had the X Factor triumphed. Had Joe McElderry been number one, it would have been proven, once and for all, that SyCo's brand of inoffensive, gymnastic balladry had won over the nation, and even the biggest and most supported music campaign in English, and probably world, history had been defeated. That would have been a disaster, and the 958'419 fans of the original Facebook group would go to bed tonight feeling cowed - or should that be Cowell'd?

X Factor will win again next year. And you know what, I don't care. There may well be other attempts at toppling next year's winner, but none will have the same unifying effect that this one had. But we proved our point. People still like music thats - a huge cliché I know - real.

Its nice to know bands can still offend people. The hell-raisers of old are all dead or have lost it, John Lydon being Culprit Number One. Rage's live performance of Killing in the Name was just another slice of anarchy that provoked outrage and made headlines in a week ridden with it. How did the BBC not see it coming. The goddamn line they wanted changed was the now-classic 'fuck you I won't do what you tell me'; did they really expect them to change it? Morons. It made for a brilliant moment though.

The Machine has successfully been Raged against.

Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip

Just a shorty today

Downloaded Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip's debut Angles a few weeks ago, thought it was amazing; bought it legally today off Amazon and it got even more amazing. There are so many strong messages, clever lyrics and cool beats. It's occasionally bleak, particularly Angles and Magician's Assistant. Every song is brilliant. Please download it. Please.

Q

I was thumbing through the december issue of Q magazine, and all was well. All was well, that is, until I came across a review of Biffy Clyro's Only Revolutions. Or more specifically, the opening paragraph. I'll type it up quick like for your viewing (dis)pleasure:

"It's tough being a young British band, specifically one on the heavier end of the musical spectrum. In rock, as in glabal politics, America dictates the agenda: musicians from that side of the pond are more confident, more image-savvy, more glamorous and just generally better, with embarrasingly few exceptions. Legions of jowly, guitar-toting Gordon Browns have stumbled their way onto the world stage, only to find themselves shoved to the sidelines as their polished counterparts recieved the full glare of the publics adoration."

I was stunned. Taken-aback. Flabergasted. I foamed at the mouth. I wrote a letter. I pity the poor Q email-lackey who bore the brunt of such a verbal firestorm. No doubt much quailing was done. Dave Everly, the pitiful hack who wrote that abomination, will meet with many puzzled stares as he fearfully stops, turns, and shuffles of warily, the uncomfortable impression that someone, somewhere, is watching his every move, waiting.

Q, your reputation has been sullied.

Three Reasons Why Megan Fox Is Overrated.

1)Megan Fox looks like a pornstar, acts as well as a pornstar, but is for some reason in mainstream movies. Suuuure everything is in the right place, but she manages to be so boring to look at.



Even in pretty mode she kinda looks...blank.

2)Shes a freaking moron. "[Michael Bay, Transformers director] wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is". Umm no she isn't. Unless Michael Bay murdered millions of Jews on his sets. Moron. Intelligence is where it's at.

3)She has malicious little devil thums. Take a look:



Hisssss!