These guys are capable of genius lines. Here are my favourites, in order that they appear on my iPod.
10) "They call me the Hiphopopotamous, my lyrics are bottomless."
"..."
9) "They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers/ But what's the real cost 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper/ Why are we paying so mch for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?"
8)"Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls...Carribean...Parisian...Bolivian...Eastern Indochinian...Reptilian...Presbyterian"
7) "Oh pretty prince of parties where's
the party now? - I don't know.
Oh pretty prince of parties where does
water go? - I let it flow.
Oh pretty prince of parties can I come
to your party? - No."
6) "Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor"
and "Oohh leggy-blonde you've got it going on, I see you wearin' that thong thong thong, ohh let's get in on 'till the break of dawn, nmnmnnmnomnn panties on"
5) "Binary solo: 00000001 00000011 00000111 00001111 oh (oh) oh one (one) one oh (oh) Come on sucka' lick my battery"
4) "A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south whoah oh oh"
3) "Let's get in a cab/ I'll buy you a kebab/ Now I can't believe I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen/ With a kebab"
2) "Making love.../Making love for.../Making love for two.../Making love for two minutes"
"You whisper somthing sexy like "Is that it?"/ I know what you're trying to say, girl, you're trying to say "ahhh yeaah that's it" and you tell me you want some more, well uhh, I'm nto surprised"
2) "Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch- ch- ch- changes?"
2) "Oh Frodo whatcha doin' wearin' the ring/ All-powerful jewellery is that your new thing?"
"I dont rap about bitches and hoes/I rap about witches and trolls"
1) "I'm not crying, its just been raining...on my face"
"These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me - I've just been cutting onions. I'm making a lasange...for one"
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Saturday, 23 January 2010
"If you chop one off, will two more grow in its place?" and other inappropriate questions to ask Maidenhead's two-headed woman
On Thursday, I was told about a woman with two heads who had begun living in Maidenhead. On Friday, I saw her. It was, without question, the most bizarre thing I have ever seen in my life. Perhaps the weirdest thing is that - apart from the 2/3 Cerberus issue - it wasn't that weird. They're totally normal looking people by themselves, more so than these http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSy9W3gIhnQ two, who look a bit odd. Anyway, their existance raises a ton of politically-incorrect questions that are endlessly fun to speculate over.
1) If you chop one off, do two grow in its place?
2) Do they have to pay for two cinema tickets, or just the one?
3) Who controls what? Have they decided that one gets the legs and the other the arms, or has one made the other her bitch?
4) If they have kids, would said kid have to have two mothers on its birth-certificate?
5) Would you?
6) Word on the street has it that they have two hearts - are they in fact Time Lords?
7) If they had three breasts to match the supposed three lungs and two hearts, would you now?
8) What about two va- okay I don't want to know that actually
9) Which would win in a fight?
10) Does it count as incest?
P.S sorry for the massive delay between posts, literally nothing in the last month of my life has been blog-worthy.
EDIT: Apparently they are the two girls in that video, just all grown up now.
1) If you chop one off, do two grow in its place?
2) Do they have to pay for two cinema tickets, or just the one?
3) Who controls what? Have they decided that one gets the legs and the other the arms, or has one made the other her bitch?
4) If they have kids, would said kid have to have two mothers on its birth-certificate?
5) Would you?
6) Word on the street has it that they have two hearts - are they in fact Time Lords?
7) If they had three breasts to match the supposed three lungs and two hearts, would you now?
8) What about two va- okay I don't want to know that actually
9) Which would win in a fight?
10) Does it count as incest?
P.S sorry for the massive delay between posts, literally nothing in the last month of my life has been blog-worthy.
EDIT: Apparently they are the two girls in that video, just all grown up now.
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Fuck You I Won't Do What You Tell Me! (unless your name is Jon or Tracy Morton)
Right, so we did it. It feels like VE Day all over again. Simon Cowell's corporate tyranny has been de-throned, the ring cut from his finger; the Great British Public (and right now I'm happy to call them that) has propelled Rage Against the Machine to the summit of the UK Charts. And it feels amazing.
Victory is only made sweeter by tragedy that would have been had the X Factor triumphed. Had Joe McElderry been number one, it would have been proven, once and for all, that SyCo's brand of inoffensive, gymnastic balladry had won over the nation, and even the biggest and most supported music campaign in English, and probably world, history had been defeated. That would have been a disaster, and the 958'419 fans of the original Facebook group would go to bed tonight feeling cowed - or should that be Cowell'd?
X Factor will win again next year. And you know what, I don't care. There may well be other attempts at toppling next year's winner, but none will have the same unifying effect that this one had. But we proved our point. People still like music thats - a huge cliché I know - real.
Its nice to know bands can still offend people. The hell-raisers of old are all dead or have lost it, John Lydon being Culprit Number One. Rage's live performance of Killing in the Name was just another slice of anarchy that provoked outrage and made headlines in a week ridden with it. How did the BBC not see it coming. The goddamn line they wanted changed was the now-classic 'fuck you I won't do what you tell me'; did they really expect them to change it? Morons. It made for a brilliant moment though.
The Machine has successfully been Raged against.
Victory is only made sweeter by tragedy that would have been had the X Factor triumphed. Had Joe McElderry been number one, it would have been proven, once and for all, that SyCo's brand of inoffensive, gymnastic balladry had won over the nation, and even the biggest and most supported music campaign in English, and probably world, history had been defeated. That would have been a disaster, and the 958'419 fans of the original Facebook group would go to bed tonight feeling cowed - or should that be Cowell'd?
X Factor will win again next year. And you know what, I don't care. There may well be other attempts at toppling next year's winner, but none will have the same unifying effect that this one had. But we proved our point. People still like music thats - a huge cliché I know - real.
Its nice to know bands can still offend people. The hell-raisers of old are all dead or have lost it, John Lydon being Culprit Number One. Rage's live performance of Killing in the Name was just another slice of anarchy that provoked outrage and made headlines in a week ridden with it. How did the BBC not see it coming. The goddamn line they wanted changed was the now-classic 'fuck you I won't do what you tell me'; did they really expect them to change it? Morons. It made for a brilliant moment though.
The Machine has successfully been Raged against.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip
Just a shorty today
Downloaded Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip's debut Angles a few weeks ago, thought it was amazing; bought it legally today off Amazon and it got even more amazing. There are so many strong messages, clever lyrics and cool beats. It's occasionally bleak, particularly Angles and Magician's Assistant. Every song is brilliant. Please download it. Please.
Downloaded Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip's debut Angles a few weeks ago, thought it was amazing; bought it legally today off Amazon and it got even more amazing. There are so many strong messages, clever lyrics and cool beats. It's occasionally bleak, particularly Angles and Magician's Assistant. Every song is brilliant. Please download it. Please.
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Q
I was thumbing through the december issue of Q magazine, and all was well. All was well, that is, until I came across a review of Biffy Clyro's Only Revolutions. Or more specifically, the opening paragraph. I'll type it up quick like for your viewing (dis)pleasure:
"It's tough being a young British band, specifically one on the heavier end of the musical spectrum. In rock, as in glabal politics, America dictates the agenda: musicians from that side of the pond are more confident, more image-savvy, more glamorous and just generally better, with embarrasingly few exceptions. Legions of jowly, guitar-toting Gordon Browns have stumbled their way onto the world stage, only to find themselves shoved to the sidelines as their polished counterparts recieved the full glare of the publics adoration."
I was stunned. Taken-aback. Flabergasted. I foamed at the mouth. I wrote a letter. I pity the poor Q email-lackey who bore the brunt of such a verbal firestorm. No doubt much quailing was done. Dave Everly, the pitiful hack who wrote that abomination, will meet with many puzzled stares as he fearfully stops, turns, and shuffles of warily, the uncomfortable impression that someone, somewhere, is watching his every move, waiting.
Q, your reputation has been sullied.
"It's tough being a young British band, specifically one on the heavier end of the musical spectrum. In rock, as in glabal politics, America dictates the agenda: musicians from that side of the pond are more confident, more image-savvy, more glamorous and just generally better, with embarrasingly few exceptions. Legions of jowly, guitar-toting Gordon Browns have stumbled their way onto the world stage, only to find themselves shoved to the sidelines as their polished counterparts recieved the full glare of the publics adoration."
I was stunned. Taken-aback. Flabergasted. I foamed at the mouth. I wrote a letter. I pity the poor Q email-lackey who bore the brunt of such a verbal firestorm. No doubt much quailing was done. Dave Everly, the pitiful hack who wrote that abomination, will meet with many puzzled stares as he fearfully stops, turns, and shuffles of warily, the uncomfortable impression that someone, somewhere, is watching his every move, waiting.
Q, your reputation has been sullied.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Three Reasons Why Megan Fox Is Overrated.
1)Megan Fox looks like a pornstar, acts as well as a pornstar, but is for some reason in mainstream movies. Suuuure everything is in the right place, but she manages to be so boring to look at.
Even in pretty mode she kinda looks...blank.
2)Shes a freaking moron. "[Michael Bay, Transformers director] wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is". Umm no she isn't. Unless Michael Bay murdered millions of Jews on his sets. Moron. Intelligence is where it's at.
3)She has malicious little devil thums. Take a look:
Hisssss!
Even in pretty mode she kinda looks...blank.
2)Shes a freaking moron. "[Michael Bay, Transformers director] wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is". Umm no she isn't. Unless Michael Bay murdered millions of Jews on his sets. Moron. Intelligence is where it's at.
3)She has malicious little devil thums. Take a look:
Hisssss!
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Birdsong
Just finished reading this harrowing tale from Sebastian Faulks and though flawed I thought it was excellent.
Wilfred Owen and co have clearly had a big effect on Faulks' writing - theres no wishy-washy romanticised version of life in the trenches; Falks, even more that Owen, conveys the message the the war was an abberation against nature, an evil thing beyond words that scoops out the soldiers' humanity and leaves them scarred. The sheer relentless tragic conditions where a man expects to die at any moment can, I feel, only really be brought out by prose; the typically brief nature of poetry can't adequately convey the grinding misery.
If anything, the sections with the Granddaughter Elizabeth were even more dispiriting - is the bleak existance of her life really worth the sacrifice of so many men? At least Stephen experienced passion; there seems to be none to be found in 1978 England.
Steven's friendship with Weir was the most compelling in the novel, and Weir the most beliveable character and his death upset me more than any others. His death, with no pomp and circumstance - as is the case with the death of most of the minor characters - makes it all the more tragic.
What else? The Isabelle story petered out oddly, and Jeanne (how is that pronounced? Gene? Jane?) was never developed enough for it to seem likely that she could be in a relationship with Stephen, given how empty he was by the end. The image of thousands of injured English soldiers rising like the dead on the slopes near Amiens was an incredibly powerful image, as was most of that scene in fact. Also, allow being in a tunnel. Especially if your name is Stephen.
Aallssoo, during the whole book Stephen did not kill one German until he set off the explosive right at the end, but that was accidental, in fact the only one he did kill was a mortally wounded man in a shared shell-hole who wanted to go quickly. Furthermore, none of the other characters kill any Germans either. Weird. Maybe Faulks wanted to keep the German presence defined only by their shells, which I suppose makes the war seem futile, though I'm grasping at straws here. Gray even said Stephen was a terriffic fighter. Odd
Wilfred Owen and co have clearly had a big effect on Faulks' writing - theres no wishy-washy romanticised version of life in the trenches; Falks, even more that Owen, conveys the message the the war was an abberation against nature, an evil thing beyond words that scoops out the soldiers' humanity and leaves them scarred. The sheer relentless tragic conditions where a man expects to die at any moment can, I feel, only really be brought out by prose; the typically brief nature of poetry can't adequately convey the grinding misery.
If anything, the sections with the Granddaughter Elizabeth were even more dispiriting - is the bleak existance of her life really worth the sacrifice of so many men? At least Stephen experienced passion; there seems to be none to be found in 1978 England.
Steven's friendship with Weir was the most compelling in the novel, and Weir the most beliveable character and his death upset me more than any others. His death, with no pomp and circumstance - as is the case with the death of most of the minor characters - makes it all the more tragic.
What else? The Isabelle story petered out oddly, and Jeanne (how is that pronounced? Gene? Jane?) was never developed enough for it to seem likely that she could be in a relationship with Stephen, given how empty he was by the end. The image of thousands of injured English soldiers rising like the dead on the slopes near Amiens was an incredibly powerful image, as was most of that scene in fact. Also, allow being in a tunnel. Especially if your name is Stephen.
Aallssoo, during the whole book Stephen did not kill one German until he set off the explosive right at the end, but that was accidental, in fact the only one he did kill was a mortally wounded man in a shared shell-hole who wanted to go quickly. Furthermore, none of the other characters kill any Germans either. Weird. Maybe Faulks wanted to keep the German presence defined only by their shells, which I suppose makes the war seem futile, though I'm grasping at straws here. Gray even said Stephen was a terriffic fighter. Odd
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